Author: taylor kate

The more like Jesus you are, the more suffering you will experience in this life.

These words were uttered at church this morning, and stopped my thoughts dead in their tracks. Suffering has been a constant in my life as of lately. Relentless endo pain. The daily battle with the eating disorder. Grief. Do walking through those things make me more like Jesus? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still learning to carry a cross that I didn’t choose for myself, and would actually never choose for myself in this lifetime. No one ACTUALLY wants to walk through hard things. But the words “Be like Jesus” keep running through my head today. How I respond to my suffering is what grows me to be more like Jesus. I absolutely don’t always respond well, or trust Him. In the last 48 hours I’ve cried a lot of tears. But I know even in that it’s still Christ-like because Jesus wept too. Sometimes I just wish I had the strength He had. Thankfully – He’s always willing to pour out His strength into my tired body. Despite whether I feel like I deserve it or not. Isn’t is amazing that we don’t have to earn anything from Him?

But the question still stands: Why isn’t He allowing me to feel better? Is it because He’s still pruning me? Preparing me for the answers to my endless prayers? Wants me to carry this cross forever? Who knows. I’ve been faithful in showing up in the hard places. Appointments. Hospitals. Church (most of the time). All places that are helpful and healing but so hard. Appointments and hospitals speak for themselves as hard places. Church, well, that isn’t supposed to be a hard place, but when you’re in the middle of the wrestle- dang is it tough to sit at church and praise a God that you aren’t even sure is on your side right now. Nonetheless, I show up, tuck myself in the far right hand corner next to my friend, and I listen. And worship. And feel my feelings. Despite pain. Despite faith feeling futile right now. Despite not knowing what the next right thing to do is.

Chronic pain tends to leave me in an “I don’t know what to do” cycle a lot. No one talks about how much you doubt yourself and your body’s ability to do the littlest things when you’re in chronic pain. And it’s always a wonder if what I did to help today is going to help tomorrow. Most of the time the answer is no. But sometimes I get lucky. It’s a daily act of surrender. Waking up and taking my supplements, seeing all my providers & praying that maybe today will be the day where I will feel a little more like myself.

Tomorrow is a new day filled with more unknowns as I meet with my surgeon and discuss new treatment options, once again. But I know I can sit in that zoom call with my head held high, because I know God is already there & already knows what I need.

Here I am Lord, have your way.

-Taylor Kate

It’s been a long time (once again) since I have shown up in this space.

And to be honest, I have been trying to come back on here for a while, but fear of being known has held me back. Which is kind of crazy, because I used to be able to just hop on here with anything and everything knowing that God could use every bit of my crazy story. The enemy has gotten into my head a lot in the last few months and has convinced me to stay quiet in a season where I should be doing anything but that.

I have shared a lot about my endometriosis, and it is such a hard road. Something that was specifically hard about that diagnosis was the fact that a doctor that I saw took me off of every food in the world in an attempt to decrease some pain. While it might have worked for a little while, it left lasting effects that I was not prepared to deal with.

After my excision surgery almost two years ago, my surgeon told me that there was no need for me to avoid any of the foods that I had spent avoiding for a year.

I should have been relieved by that, and at the beginning of that news I think I was…But guess what? After a few months of trying to eat normally, I just couldn’t. I still caught myself avoiding certain foods out of fear and distrust of my body and I never really was able to pull myself from that diet I had been put on a year prior.

What happened next is what really shook me to my core.

In May of last year, I had to get my wisdom teeth out. I most definitely wasn’t excited for that but I chalked it up to just another procedure that would come and go. My teeth came out and everything seemed fine. But, my doctor advised me to eat a soft, pretty much liquid diet for a few weeks while I was healing. Obviously, I could have guessed that after getting teeth removed I wouldn’t be able to eat regular food for a while. Duh Taylor. But hearing those words spun me out of control, and I sunk pretty quickly.

I was reminded of what that last doctor did to me and I froze dead in my tracks. I quickly fell back into distrust and fear. I was eating very little for weeks, even after my dentist gave me the all clear, which is exactly what happened with my endometriosis doctor.

Hello flashbacks.

I didn’t really think much of it until one day I realized that my clothes didn’t fit and I was feeling really weak.

Something was wrong.

I quickly was faced with a scary reality. I had developed an eating disorder.

All the years of having to restrict foods in order to protect myself and stay out of pain has landed me in a place where I never thought I would be in.

A few months after trying to fix it on my own and failing (shocker)… I started seeing a dietician and at first I was really scared about it. I had to regain weight, fight discomfort of eating more calories than I was used to, and try to find my strength again, all while having to share my story with a brand new person in a different state. I was fighting quite the internal battle and who am I kidding… I definitely still fight that internal battle.

The dietician that I started seeing was and is nothing short of an answered prayer. God knew I needed help, even when I wanted to keep denying my need. He provided me with the perfect team. I know He handpicked her to help me through my recovery.

At first I was just afraid to eat in general. I didn’t trust food at all. I didn’t trust in my body’s ability to handle what I was putting in it. How was I supposed to so quickly just forget the trauma that my body endured with endometriosis?

And then things got harder when I started to get body conscious after hearing comments from a variety of people.

Why are you eating that? Are you really going to finish that meal? That half & half has a lot of fat in it, you’re going to gain weight.

These comments aren’t necessary, & they most definitely don’t help someone who is already hearing those thoughts inside their own head. I argue with my eating disorder voice enough. I don’t need the outside world to be noisy too.

I fight against those thoughts everyday in order to eat meals and snacks as I need to. I’m not perfect. But I’m learning. I’m learning what it’s like to trust my body and release the shackles of my need to be in control. Not eating makes me feel like I am in control. But in reality I can only be in control when I am taking care of myself and fueling my body properly.

When I restrict, my eating disorder takes the wheel & she is not allowed to drive. Give me back the keys.

Just as I was finally eating better and improving, I found out that my endometriosis is making a come back. & I was honestly really angry. I could tell a few weeks ago that it was trying to come back, but I prayed and prayed that it wouldn’t. Despite my best efforts and prayers, my pain is back. I have questioned God up and down and asked Him why. Why did you give me 1.5 pain free years, if it was just going to come back? How the HECK am I supposed to eat everyday when I was conditioned to believe that food was dangerous and going to make endometriosis worse?

Come on, God. Please cut me some slack.

I’ve asked all these questions and I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers. But regardless of the unexpected news, I’m still fighting forward.

I can see so clearly the sovereignty of God right now. He built up my team and gave me a dietician who has been walking with me for months. She reminds me of the things that I need to hear, even when they are hard. She supports me. She challenges me & she constantly reminds me that I’m not alone in this. She reminds me why nutrition is important to my healing body when I am quick to forget.

I’m still feeling a lot of anger in regards to my endometriosis but I’m so thankful to have people now who are in my corner speaking truth, and encouraging me to keep nourishing my body. K is changing the narrative for me, and she is helping me believe that there is no reason to fear food. I’m getting there slowly. I remember a few weeks ago she told me food is medicine and even though last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while, I’m ready to walk into the new week and give it my all to believe that. I just need to stop trying to stay in the eating disorder that constantly convinces me to believe lies.

Thank you Jesus for equipping your people to help with these hard things & for giving me the very best of those people.

Here’s to taking it one day at a time.

Taylor Kate

Life has been a whirlwind lately. Honestly, I don’t know when it isn’t though.

On Wednesday I had surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed. With my medical history, there was no covering the fact that I was scared to go back under anesthesia for yet another procedure after I’ve spent months detoxing and trying to heal my body.

Surgery takes a toll on me mentally and physically. In mighty ways. It sounds silly to be afraid of something like wisdom teeth coming out, but unfortunately it is still something that sent me spinning.

I didn’t want Satan to be able to get a hold of me, but it’s in our weakest moments that he grips us the most isn’t it? Satan loves to use those weak moments to pull us away from God, and convince us to believe things that aren’t truth. And that’s what happened. I felt so far away from God in those days leading up to my surgery.

But then I had to remind myself to look back. To look back at all the days that God has been faithful. To look back and see how God has pulled me through every. single. thing. that I have walked through, even the things that I swore were impossible. To look back and see how God has provided me an amazing team of people who have been so willing to walk with me towards my healing & who continue to support me through every up and down.

God’s grace is so present in my story and as I was watching this doctor put the IV in my arm on Wednesday morning I was reminded of that. I had to cling to that.

The beginning of recovery was hard. Pain is a trigger for me. It’s something that I’ve been working through for a few months, and God has kept me wrestling through that. Because that’s a thing in my life that I constantly have to surrender over. *Hint Hint* it’s why I have the words “constant surrender” permanently on my arm. Because there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t need a reminder to live a surrendered life.

I had to surrender my pain and fear to God knowing that He was the only one that was going to be able to sustain me through these days.

The 4 days I spent alone were hard. Why is resting so hard?

Jesus rested.

And He created us to rest too. But it’s hard in the world we live in to slow down.

I wanted to be at work, and hanging out with my friends.

But I knew I had to take care of myself first.

And honestly, being able to nap multiple times a day was a sweet blessing.

God has used this recovery period to grow me in my faith, and to continue to show me what it looks like to fully trust. in. Him.

-Taylor Kate

There is one thing I have learned in this lifetime, and it’s that absolutely nothing goes as planned. Ever.

I was under the impression last month that I was going to be able to take a nice little break from MRI’s. I let my shoulders fall for a minute and I thanked God for the pause I thought I was about to experience. But then, on a random Thursday as I was wrapping up one of the craziest days at work my phone rings. I look down thinking it’s a friend- and to my surprise, I see “Mayo Clinic” and my heart sinks, hoping that it’s just the billing department, I answer it. Upon answering I hear the words “Hi this is your endocrinologist, is this Taylor?” I quietly said yes, as if my muted tones would soften the blow of whatever news she was about to give me.

She went on explaining the reason for her call, and ended up stating that I was going to need to come back up to Mayo for a brain MRI.

I was disheartened & hesitant to say yes. But I agreed knowing that there was no easy way out of the conversation I was having.

On Friday I ventured back out to Jacksonville to spend my Friday night in a MRI machine.

It was a long drive and by the time I finally got to the hospital I was exhausted, and filled with anxiety as I approached the waiting room.

As I walked through the doors a flood of feelings overtook me-my body remembered the trauma that took place the last time I was in this waiting room back in 2019. I had to convince myself that this time would be different, that this time I was going to be okay.

I did the usual paper work, changed into the hospital gown, got my IV, and then sat down and waited. After reaching out to a few friends for prayers, the doctors were calling my name.

I walked back to the room not really knowing how to feel in the moment.

The nurses got me situated and asked me if I wanted to listen to music during my scan, and in an effort to drown out the piercing sounds, I said yes. Needless to say I choose Christian music since I was desperate for peace as I tried to focus on anything but what was actually happening. The nurse hit play, and the very first song that came on was Promises by Maverick City Music. That’s been my song recently as I have continued to wrestle my way through an exhausting season.

The lyrics of this song seemed to resonate with my heart way more that night than ever before.

“In the middle of my storm.

In the middle of my trial

When I’m in the middle of the road

and I don’t know which way to go…

I’ll still bless you. I’ll still bless you.

I’ve got a reason to bless you!

You’ve been so good to me.

Great is your faithfulness to me.”

I heard these words and so many thoughts started racing through my mind: God sees me. He’s with me in this annoying scan. He knows what the results are going to be. Why is it so bright in here? God is still good even in the uncertainty. Wow this machine sounds like the painters that were outside my office the other day hacking away at the stairs. God provides me with His strength when I don’t have enough of my own. God will be faithful despite what I find out. He has always provided in every health predicament. I will continue to worship God in the middle.

As you can tell, my thought process was hindered by the noises, and honestly I got a little frustrated by how loud it was that night. But nonetheless God was present.

It was hard. It’s not something I want to do ever again. But I made it out of the scan, which was an accomplishment in itself.

As I wait for the next phone call, I’m continuing to believe that the Lord has healing in His plans for me. It’s not promised, but I know He can do anything He wants.

I’m walking the thin line of being hopeful and scared. But this thin line is where I have to surrender the fears of the unknown to a God who isn’t afraid of anything.

-Taylor Kate

The last few months and really even years have been filled with a lot of praying and a lot of dreaming. When I first got sick about a little over a year ago I would lay in my bed during my flares and daydream about what life would be like without those flares. I always wondered if I would ever wake up and not have to take painkillers, or not have to sleep with my heating pad for 8 hours a night. None of it seemed anywhere close to realistic to me. I was scared for a long time, and spent many of my early morning hours pleading with the Lord to heal me. I always knew that it was possible that I would have to live in pain for the rest of my life, but on the same hand I also knew healing was possible if I would keep pressing in and seek out Jesus despite my pain.

At the beginning of this year things took another turn, and I was with doctors more than I wasn’t. I was searching high and low for answers, and trying every supplement and diet in the book.

I was completely desperate and I remember on February 21st I was kneeling by the side of my bed, praying hard. I wanted a sign that I was going to be okay. I wanted to know that endometriosis wasn’t going to have a hold over me for the rest of my life. I wanted Jesus to show me that He was real and that He was here-because I hadn’t felt His presence in a very long time.

I went to bed after spending some time in prayer, and had the most insane dream of my entire life.

I’ve only shared this with like maybe 3 of my friends so putting it out there on the internet is a little overwhelming but it is a huge part of my healing story.

But anyway, here it goes: I went to bed that night and had a dream where Jesus showed up. I saw a bright figure, and I heard Him say the words: “you are going to be healed.” And it was one of those experiences where even though I had obviously never heard His voice verbally before, it was so familiar to me. I woke up at 3am so incredibly thankful for that dream and that promise.

Because that is what it was. It was more than a dream. It was a promise. And I clung to it for months.

I was still undergoing a few different treatments at the time, and had started seeing a doctor at Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. She tried a handful of different treatments and I was seeing little to no relief.

Which was discouraging at times, but I kept remembering those words that were uttered in my dream.

I knew I couldn’t give up, because in those months I felt like I was being led to the very thing that Jesus was going to use to heal me. I had a team of fabulous doctors who were on my side through it all pushing me to keep going and keep believing.

In June I tried the last treatment my doctor knew to do. I got 5 whole days of relief after that, and I knew I needed to face my fears and send a message to my doctor. I sent the message that said “I want the surgery.”

Excision surgery was absolutely last on my list of treatments, but I felt like it was what I needed to do, and my doctor said the same thing. She was confident in doing the surgery at that point. My surgery was scheduled for July 1st and it came so fast.

Before I knew it I was in pre op, texting my friends that I was getting ready to go into the operating room.

I was excited and nervous and just really ready to see what my doctor was going to find.

They wheeled me back and started the anesthesia, and a few hours later I woke up in recovery. I was in and out for a while, but was trying to have a coherent conversation with the nurse that was in the room watching me. He told me that everything went well, and that I was able to be discharged whenever I felt ready to get up. A few minutes later, I was stumbling to the bathroom to get ready to leave.

My mom picked me up and at that point I was a little more awake and ready to hear about what my doctor found. I was nervous to ask my mom, but I also was so curious. My mom showed me the pictures that my doctor took of my endometriosis, and it was crazy to see the disease stuck to my organs. I’m not going to go into detail as to where she found it, but all I can say was that it was on a lot of the organs that I wasn’t expecting, but that made so much sense.

I slept a lot after my operation, and I was really sore for the first week. Laparoscopic surgeries are painful because they fill you up with gas and getting rid of gas that is built up in your shoulders is very annoying. After about a week or so, I was heading back home to get ready to start working again. I was slowly easing back into life, and it felt weird to feel somewhat normal. I was still sore and tired for a few weeks post surgery, but my endometriosis pain was gone.

Like I didn’t feel it. I felt normal.

I couldn’t believe it, and I still can’t.

I have cried a lot. Not because I am sad, but because I am healing. Jesus promised healing, and I am walking in it. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks since my surgery, and today when I was driving home from the chiropractor I was tearing up again because I just never thought I was going to get my life back. Even leaving my chiropractor not in pain, is a huge deal for me.

It is crazy to think that I have lived with that disease for so long that it became engrained in who I am.

And now I am healing from it, and it is no longer holding me back, but instead it has given me a story to share.

A story of fear, pain, faith, and hope.

I want my story to show other people that even when all hope seems lost, and chronic illness has taken up every ounce of normal life, that it is worth it to keep fighting. Keep advocating for your health. & Keep trusting Jesus with it all.

His timing is better and He delights in healing His children.

-Taylor Kate

You know that game we used to play as a team building exercise? The game where there was a group behind you, and they made you stand in the middle and close your eyes and fall backwards.

It’s called a trust fall. & I never liked doing it. Maybe it’s because it’s hard for me to trust, but my anxiety always would make me wonder if people were actually going to catch me or if I was going to crash onto the floor. I knew that was never going to happen but it was always in the back of my head.

Trust is real hard & lately I have been thinking about my life as one big trust fall. But not into the arms of random people..into the arms of God. I have been faced with decisions that I have had to make, and circumstances that I have had to walk through that have left me thinking “is God really going to catch me, or am I just going to crash?” The reality of it all brings fear and my mind sometimes plays tricks on me and tries to convince me that I am alone.

God has never let me crash before but there is something about walking through these next few weeks that has me a little freaked out, like I am just going to be completely crash onto the ground. My body already screamed at me last week and I had to listen and slow down as it decided it didn’t want to be strong. At first I tried to fight it, but then I realized the best thing for me to do was just listen to what my body was saying. I slowly feel like I am regaining some of my strength but it took a lot of rest, and a lot of bone broth to get back on my feet.

I have more doctors appointments to attend in a week which always leave me feeling a little uneasy. New treatments always fill me with hope..until they don’t. Is this going to be the one? Will it work for more than a few weeks? Will I ever regain full strength? Or is this all just one big waste of time? I don’t really know. It’s all trial and error which kinda stinks because who likes that? No one likes living in uncertainty, and I am walking that very fine line right now- left questioning just about decision that I have to make about my health. Do I do this or that? Eat this or that? Take this medication or that one?

It is so. much. pressure.

And takes so. much. trust.

In God. In Doctor’s. In Myself.

My doctor has told me that we are going to be able to try a handful of treatments before she operates, but if surgery is still going to be the outcome then what’s the point of even trying all these things anyway? I feel like I should listen to my own words here. But none of me wants surgery, and all of me still wants to have hope that the Lord will heal me through things that don’t require me to take a week off of work to be operated on. I have tried so hard to heal, as much as it depends on me.

I have to lean back and let myself trust that the Lord is going to catch me no matter what decisions I make coming up. The one thing that comforts me the most is knowing that if I have God, I really can’t make the wrong decision. He knows what decisions I am going to make before I make them, and He gives me the grace for every single one. Lately, I have looked at my tattoo a million times a day as I have reminded myself to live in a state of constant surrender. It has been one of the hardest things ever because I want control so bad, but guess what? I. have. none. I can control what supplements I take, but I can’t control what actually works and what doesn’t. Every day I pray that I can surrender more and more as I walk this hard path that the Lord has laid before me. It is a rocky one, but there is purpose here as I am being pruned, and being made more like Christ.

There’s no hard without hope.

-Taylor Kate

Let’s talk about transitions, shall we?

I can describe this transition I am currently in in one word:

h a r d.

It is hard to be out of college, hard to not have a full time job yet, hard to not know where I am going to be living, and hard to not have clarity in my health.

Having all of these things happen all at once kind of just feels like I have been hit by a truck.

There are WAY too many emotions that have starting taking up residence in my life. Like WAY too many.

Sadness. Fear. Anger.

And I am completely coming undone. Piece by piece I am unraveling. And I am standing here letting it happen. Because why fight it?

Last night, I described it to my friend Maura like this, “I have cried so many tears in the last 4 days that I could fill a bathtub for a small child.” I said that with some humor in my voice, and we both cracked up.

In reality, joy has been hard to find in the middle of the mess, so those few moments of laughter were straight from the Lord. I have had to take a step back and ask myself if and where I was still finding joy.

But last night I found little pockets of joy outside of the Starbucks with my decaf latte, my friend, and the real life convos we were having.

Even though feeling my emotions is something that I have had trouble with, lately I have been crying at the drop of a hat. It’s really weird. But in the same way it is very healing, because I am allowing myself to feel things that I would have never let myself feel before.

I am seeing growth in that aspect of my life because I can remember the days where I would just shove things under the rug, and now I am like wait, maybe I should actually give this feeling some thought, and feel all the feels, and figure out what the Lord is trying to show me in these things.

It’s not fun though.

Things are hard. And I have to be okay with that right now. Seasons of transitions are never easy, and this is the biggest transition that I have ever been through. So I have to welcome these emotions with open arms, and be gentle with myself as I process everything that is going on.

On top of already being in a season of transition, I am also trying to still figure my health. My endometriosis is still giving me a hard time, and it is time for me to start looking for another doctor. It is scary, and I am filled with fear not knowing what is coming next. I have tried everything in my power to get healthy again, but these things have just been relentless.

Trusting God in the middle of continued failing health seems impossible. I know that God is sovereign over all things, including my health but it has still been a challenge to actively trust. And I think it’s just because for a while I was getting better, and now that I am back at square one, I am just frustrated. I have learned in the past the importance of community, but I am being reminded of it again now that I am feeling so alone because of what I am going through.

I am thankful to have friends who pray for me, and trust God for me when I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I couldn’t imagine walking through any of these things without my friends, and that is one area that I can see God so clearly right now. I see Him in the ways that I am supported when things get tough. I want to see Him working in my health but right now I am just going to be content with the little things.

I don’t know what is to come in this, but I know that whatever happens has to pass through the hands of God first.

-Taylor Kate

“You are going to be able to tell quite the story someday”

I have heard this statement said to me a few different times this week, and I just can’t help but think to myself how much I don’t want this story right now. I don’t feel strong enough to have this big booming story, and I surely question why God chose me.

Why did He see me worthy of having this story?

It’s complicated, and tends to get kind of messy.

Today I showed up at my chiropractors office in a puddle of tears because endometriosis is lame, and it is currently being triggered by my cycle.

Of course I am still ecstatic that my period has come because healing, but it’s not a perfect process, and I am not sure it will ever be.

Pain is still present because I am not promised a completely pain-free healing journey….darn.

I know that God has given me this story for a reason but man sometimes I am just not a fan.

I often catch myself wishing my body was normal, and healthy, and not needing 10 supplements every morning.

But right now that’t my reality. I am taking 10 supplements, and my body isn’t quite there yet. I am still learning to be okay with the body that God has given me, and not get angry with my situation.

It’s a lot of work right now, wading through these tidal waves of healing.

The verse that keeps coming to my mind is “i praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God made me in His image, and if that means endometriosis and a crazy healing journey that I wasn’t expecting then I am going to buckle up and trust Him through it.

I have to keep reminding myself that God doesn’t waste pain, and He surely won’t waste this story.

As much as I pray on my knees to be delivered from these things quickly, I know they won’t happen until God is ready. He is shaping my story, and making it into one that I never would have asked for but that He is going to be able to use to allow other people to see His goodness, and His power.

Praise God for healing, even if it isn’t happening as quick as I wanted.

Taylor Kate

For the past year or so I have been struggling with pain that has not been able to be cured-by anything. I have been fighting discouragement of all types after visiting with doctors who just shot me down. I heard them utter the word impossible way too many times, and I started to believe that there might be no way for me to heal from my endometriosis pain. 

I was heartbroken, and I started to get comfortable with the idea that I was just going to have to be taking a painkiller for the rest of my life.

Because nothing. else. was. working. 

God wasn’t showing up in the ways I thought I needed Him to in those moments, and I gave up believing that He wanted anything more for my life. I was convinced that chronic pain was just something that would linger for the rest of my days. 

My faith in God grew weaker as the days and weeks progressed, and it was getting harder and harder for me to believe that God was even good, or that He cared about what I was walking through. 

My fight grew weak, and I didn’t have enough strength to stop it. 

I began to hold on to a phrase that my friend Rachel has spoken over me since the very beginning of this season which is, “you are stronger than you know.”

She would remind me of that every time I felt like I had no bit of strength left in my body.

Thankfully, I was constantly surrounded by uplifting friends and mentors who would continue to pour into me even when I did not really want to hear it. They believed for me when I couldn’t. And they would tell me over and over that God was still good, even if it was the very last thing I wanted to hear. 

They kept planting those faith-filled beliefs in my mind and heart. 

Looking back, their faith and prayers are what gave me the strength to keep pushing during those hardest, darkest moments of this season. 

I still wrestled in my own quiet time with God. I had 105 questions every time I tried to pray, and I was just tired of praying what seemed like empty prayers. 

Just recently my pain was getting to the point where it was unbearable and I landed in the emergency room. It was that night when I began to question a lot of things. Why wasn’t this getting better? The only option the hospital was giving me was an option that no 22 year old or really any woman for that matter wants to hear. 

A hysterectomy. 

I swallowed the hard pill from that news and once again just felt like I was out of options. 

I was defeated and felt like God was nowhere to be found. But it was that news that made me so mad that I knew I had to find something different to try. 

The next day, I texted Rachel to see if I could go over to her house and grab some bone broth-because it’s the best and after a lot of hours in the er that’s all I wanted. I told her what the doctors had told me, and naturally, she was not thrilled-because it was heavy news and went against every desire in my heart.

I honestly think having to tell a friend that I was having to think about that was one of the hardest things ever. Because talking about it out loud just made it feel so real, and reminded me that it might be a reality for me. 

She prayed over me a lot that afternoon and told me that there was a natural doctor who is located in St. Pete that she had reached out to who has healed women from their endometriosis. I didn’t know what to think at first because I have been told for so long that it isn’t possible to heal what I have, so how could this guy be any different? 

But at this point, I was pretty much ready to try anything. 

& I was starting to slowly trust God with the idea that He could be bigger than my diagnosis. 

She managed to get me an appointment the same day that I needed to be in Tampa for an MRI and leading up to this new appointment I just felt so much peace. 

It was so weird.

Peace? 

Before a doctor’s appointment? 

Unheard of…until now. 

Monday came and Rachel and I got on the road bright and early to head to St. Pete. But this car ride was so much different than any of our other trips in the past because I was not riddled with fear. 

I wasn’t afraid to go into this office like I had been terrified about my past appointments. I took that as a huge sign from God that He had this covered and that I had nothing to worry about, plus I was walking into this appointment with someone who believes so much in my healing, and that is such a blessing in itself. 

To have people in my corner, believing so strongly that God CAN and WILL heal me.  

When we arrived at the office, I remember being a little nervous but still so excited to see what he was going to tell me. We sat down in his office and he started asking me questions about my experiences with my endometriosis and my pain levels. I laid it all out, and he didn’t even seem worried about it, which was so comforting. He started to explain to me the ways my body was reacting to certain things, and what supplements he could start me on to improve the problem. 

This is the first doctor I have ever had who has spent so much time being thorough and making sure I understood what he was explaining. I was holding back tears the whole time because I just knew in those moments that I was going to be okay and that this diagnosis wasn’t going to be the end of me.

He seemed so full of hope, which resulted in me being filled with SO MUCH HOPE. 

Hope I have never felt before.

He was confident in my body’s ability to heal, and I know it might be a challenge to have to change parts of my life, and remember to take all these supplements every day, but I am so ready to stand up to that and see what the Lord has in store for me going forward. It’s day two on these new supplements and I already feel so much better.

Day 2, people. Come on. That’s a God thing.

It is so refreshing to feel this renewed sense of peace in the middle of my circumstances and for the first time in forever I can finally believe that God is good, and He really is going to do something here. I remember getting in the car after this appointment and looking at my friend and saying that I was so excited to come back next week, which I have NEVER EVER said before. It was so crazy, and that day was just filled with so many happy tears because GOD IS MOVING. 

That moment in the car was the very moment that I knew God was going to do something bigger. He is going to heal my body, and I am going to be able to come out on the other side and tell the story of how I struggled for so so long, but God came through. Like He always does. In His timing. Not mine.

Healing is really on the horizon now, and I can feel it.

Taylor Kate

Healing isn’t linear. But I already knew that.

I am never going to forget the trauma that has impacted my life. But I already knew that.

In order to heal fully, I have to allow myself to feel my emotions. But I already knew that.

A lot of things have come to the surface of my mind in the past few days and it has caused me to wrestle.

A lot.

I am wrestling with stuff that has happened in my past, that are affecting my present struggles.

It’s crazy that at 21 I am just now learning how to heal from things that happened to me when I was 2.

I really don’t like the season that I am walking through. I never really have. And if it were up to me I would have allowed it to be done but now. But that isn’t my call to make. I’m no magician, and my control, no matter how much I want it- isn’t very high.

Scripture tells us that as Christians we aren’t promised an easy walk. We are going to be challenged, and sometimes (a lot of times) there are going to be moments of doubt. Because we can’t see the future- and that drives us crazy, well at least it drives me crazy.

I want an easy walk. But once again, I don’t call the shots. I’m walking the narrow path towards full life in Christ that is lined with trials that are testing my faith.

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” -Matthew 7:14

This verse is one that I was reminded of a few days ago by my mentor, and I had never really given it much thought until now.

Small, and narrow paths are HARD.

There is not much wiggle room, and there’s a lot of discomfort.

& I am constantly met with the reality that no part of my story right now is fun, or easy.

But this hard path leads to life-because it leads to Jesus. And walking the hard path gives us no choice but to lean into Him, and trust that He is going to provide strength, and grace, and literally everything else we need during the trying seasons.

I don’t know why my story is unfolding the way it is, packed with doctors appointment, loss, and lots of emotions- but I can’t change my story or my past, and I have no choice but to honor God through my trauma.

And it’s not easy to do that.

Because trauma makes people want to hide their face & run.

But God calls us to step out & share our story no matter how messy it is.

He has pulled me through some c r a z y things since I was a little kid, and I know there has to be purpose in that.

My traumatic brain injury at 2 makes me wonder where God was in Publix that day, and why He didn’t use His power to protect me when I was in that cart. Because He could of. And that’s the hardest part for me. He could have protected me but instead, I fell.

Maybe just so I could look back now and see exactly what He’s pulled me through.

I don’t remember what those moments were like-but my body still remembers. Subconsciously I know it remembers. And I’m not going to lie, whenever I see a kid in a shopping cart not strapped in, I always want to say something.

I have known what it is like to have to fight ever since that very day at 2 years old when I was laying in an operating room, I imagine surrounded by a ton of doctors, probably a lot of loud machines, and the pleading prayers of my parents and their friends coming from the waiting room.

God in His goodness answered the prayers that were uttered during those uncertain days in the hospital: And I’m still here.

He wasn’t done with me yet, and it is just crazy to think that I survived an injury like that.

Some days I forget that this is part of my story, and when I remember it knocks the wind out of me.

It took physical therapy, occupational therapy, and 6 months of seizure medication-but I’m standing here today able to walk, talk, and write. All because God chose to give me life.

He is so good.

For as long as I can remember, I was told that God chose me to be a fighter. He handpicked me to fight. And sometimes I wonder why He chose me, because it isn’t always easy, and I don’t always want it.

& sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t experience a brain injury.

Would I still find myself living in fight or flight mode?

Would I still be filled with anxiety every time I have a doctors appointment?

Would I have had this much strength to be able to get through the past year of my life that has been filled with health problems?

I won’t ever know the answer to these questions. Because I will never know a life before my brain injury.

There is not one thing I can do to change my story, and even though it can be tricky to find joy in this season, I have been learning what it means to keep trusting despite the circumstances, and start working through the things that God has revealed in my life, trauma and all.

It’s messy, and emotional. But this is what it looks like to fight the good fight.

God isn’t finished with me yet.

Taylor Kate