Let’s talk about transitions, shall we?

I can describe this transition I am currently in in one word:

h a r d.

It is hard to be out of college, hard to not have a full time job yet, hard to not know where I am going to be living, and hard to not have clarity in my health.

Having all of these things happen all at once kind of just feels like I have been hit by a truck.

There are WAY too many emotions that have starting taking up residence in my life. Like WAY too many.

Sadness. Fear. Anger.

And I am completely coming undone. Piece by piece I am unraveling. And I am standing here letting it happen. Because why fight it?

Last night, I described it to my friend Maura like this, “I have cried so many tears in the last 4 days that I could fill a bathtub for a small child.” I said that with some humor in my voice, and we both cracked up.

In reality, joy has been hard to find in the middle of the mess, so those few moments of laughter were straight from the Lord. I have had to take a step back and ask myself if and where I was still finding joy.

But last night I found little pockets of joy outside of the Starbucks with my decaf latte, my friend, and the real life convos we were having.

Even though feeling my emotions is something that I have had trouble with, lately I have been crying at the drop of a hat. It’s really weird. But in the same way it is very healing, because I am allowing myself to feel things that I would have never let myself feel before.

I am seeing growth in that aspect of my life because I can remember the days where I would just shove things under the rug, and now I am like wait, maybe I should actually give this feeling some thought, and feel all the feels, and figure out what the Lord is trying to show me in these things.

It’s not fun though.

Things are hard. And I have to be okay with that right now. Seasons of transitions are never easy, and this is the biggest transition that I have ever been through. So I have to welcome these emotions with open arms, and be gentle with myself as I process everything that is going on.

On top of already being in a season of transition, I am also trying to still figure my health. My endometriosis is still giving me a hard time, and it is time for me to start looking for another doctor. It is scary, and I am filled with fear not knowing what is coming next. I have tried everything in my power to get healthy again, but these things have just been relentless.

Trusting God in the middle of continued failing health seems impossible. I know that God is sovereign over all things, including my health but it has still been a challenge to actively trust. And I think it’s just because for a while I was getting better, and now that I am back at square one, I am just frustrated. I have learned in the past the importance of community, but I am being reminded of it again now that I am feeling so alone because of what I am going through.

I am thankful to have friends who pray for me, and trust God for me when I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I couldn’t imagine walking through any of these things without my friends, and that is one area that I can see God so clearly right now. I see Him in the ways that I am supported when things get tough. I want to see Him working in my health but right now I am just going to be content with the little things.

I don’t know what is to come in this, but I know that whatever happens has to pass through the hands of God first.

-Taylor Kate