You know that game we used to play as a team building exercise? The game where there was a group behind you, and they made you stand in the middle and close your eyes and fall backwards.

It’s called a trust fall. & I never liked doing it. Maybe it’s because it’s hard for me to trust, but my anxiety always would make me wonder if people were actually going to catch me or if I was going to crash onto the floor. I knew that was never going to happen but it was always in the back of my head.

Trust is real hard & lately I have been thinking about my life as one big trust fall. But not into the arms of random people..into the arms of God. I have been faced with decisions that I have had to make, and circumstances that I have had to walk through that have left me thinking “is God really going to catch me, or am I just going to crash?” The reality of it all brings fear and my mind sometimes plays tricks on me and tries to convince me that I am alone.

God has never let me crash before but there is something about walking through these next few weeks that has me a little freaked out, like I am just going to be completely crash onto the ground. My body already screamed at me last week and I had to listen and slow down as it decided it didn’t want to be strong. At first I tried to fight it, but then I realized the best thing for me to do was just listen to what my body was saying. I slowly feel like I am regaining some of my strength but it took a lot of rest, and a lot of bone broth to get back on my feet.

I have more doctors appointments to attend in a week which always leave me feeling a little uneasy. New treatments always fill me with hope..until they don’t. Is this going to be the one? Will it work for more than a few weeks? Will I ever regain full strength? Or is this all just one big waste of time? I don’t really know. It’s all trial and error which kinda stinks because who likes that? No one likes living in uncertainty, and I am walking that very fine line right now- left questioning just about decision that I have to make about my health. Do I do this or that? Eat this or that? Take this medication or that one?

It is so. much. pressure.

And takes so. much. trust.

In God. In Doctor’s. In Myself.

My doctor has told me that we are going to be able to try a handful of treatments before she operates, but if surgery is still going to be the outcome then what’s the point of even trying all these things anyway? I feel like I should listen to my own words here. But none of me wants surgery, and all of me still wants to have hope that the Lord will heal me through things that don’t require me to take a week off of work to be operated on. I have tried so hard to heal, as much as it depends on me.

I have to lean back and let myself trust that the Lord is going to catch me no matter what decisions I make coming up. The one thing that comforts me the most is knowing that if I have God, I really can’t make the wrong decision. He knows what decisions I am going to make before I make them, and He gives me the grace for every single one. Lately, I have looked at my tattoo a million times a day as I have reminded myself to live in a state of constant surrender. It has been one of the hardest things ever because I want control so bad, but guess what? I. have. none. I can control what supplements I take, but I can’t control what actually works and what doesn’t. Every day I pray that I can surrender more and more as I walk this hard path that the Lord has laid before me. It is a rocky one, but there is purpose here as I am being pruned, and being made more like Christ.

There’s no hard without hope.

-Taylor Kate