Author: taylor kate

What is your biggest dream?

Honestly, that can be such a hard question to answer.

And lately it is something that I have been asked a lot by different people in my life. I don’t know if it is because I am graduating college in a few months or if people really just want to know about those parts of my life.

Whatever the case may be it is pretty fun to think about.

I was posed with this question that other day, and I remember having to really dig deep into my mind to try and figure out the answer.

A few things came to mind:

I want to write a book.

I want to get married.

I want to live in the mountains at some point in my life.

I want to have a baby, or two, or four.

Among many other things…

Now I’m not saying this is the order I want said dreams to happen in, but these are just the ones that are at the top of my head as I’m living through my 20’s.

God knows the order and that is good enough for me.

I have had moments of pure excitement when thinking about some of the dreams I have for my future. There is a lot to look forward to in these next few years, and I can’t wait to see what God does with my little life.

I love sitting around with my friends and talking about everything that we are dreaming about. There is nothing better than being supported unconditionally in the things that I want to achieve one day.

God could be looking at this list and laughing, because maybe He has other plans. But I also like to think that God places these dreams in my heart so that I have something to chase after.

I have already started chasing after that first dream. I have my first book title created, and I even got it designed courtesy of my creative friend, Maura. But I haven’t started writing it. Because guess what gets in the way of chasing big dreams that seem scary?

A little thing called: fear.

Fear has come up in many different ways when it has come to me achieving this.

Am I the one to write this story?

Will God use it in someway?

Am I a good enough writer?

How does one even START this process?

So many things circulate through my head when I start thinking about doing stuff like this.

I know my dreams don’t scare God, so I don’t know why I am giving them the power to scare me. But I’m only human.

I know these things won’t go exactly as I plan, because when has that ever happened anyways?

I think during this time that I have spent in my little apartment, I have started using a lot more of my time productively. I have started taking the time to dream bigger, and figure out ways for me to achieve my dreams. I have talked to lots of people, read lots of books, and written lots of words.

Right now, a lot of what I want in my future, is still very much going to happen in my future. But I am still excited to wait with hopeful expectation to see what God is going to do.

-Taylor Kate

It has certainly been a while since I have shown up in this space.

Whoops.

Life has been a little crazy lately, and school has basically just taken over. I fill my days at home with homework, and most of the time forget that life exists outside of Canvas.

I don’t enjoy doing homework all day, but I have come to find out that it is a good distraction to the other things that I have been feeling.

A little over a week ago, I started taking a new medication to treat my endometriosis and well..

I
AM
NOT
A
FAN
!!!

I am always a little skeptical when I start something new, because I have seen how my body has reacted to things in the past. So I worry.

But my doctor also told me this medicine wouldn’t have many side effects. So I trusted her as I was making decisions about starting.

Well, even though this endometriosis medicine hasn’t had many physical side effects (thank God), it has completely bulldozed over my emotions.

Like I have watched them just come crashing down.

It has been really hard to handle.

Being quarantined is enough to bring on the emotions because I really want to hug my friends and I can’t.

But I decided to start since it’s been a little over a month since my surgery happened, and I couldn’t keep putting off treatment out of fear.

I’m 9 days in and it feels like an eternity already but I am trusting that in 4-6 weeks the side effects will dissipate and I will start to feel like myself again.

In a season like this one where so much has already changed in a short amount of time, I have learned a lot more about the importance of leaning on people, and Jesus.

Part of my issue with being on the Orilissa is that it makes my sense of belonging very skewed. I’m in my head all the time, and that is not a fun place to be.

That has been a constant reminder of my need for Jesus. Because when my thoughts are deafening there is not much else I can do but lay it down at His feet.

Now..do I do that as much as I need to and should? Absolutely not.

I need to grow in that category like. Always.

It’s hard for me to open up when I am feeling off, and there is no doubt that I struggle when it comes to praying and talking to God. I don’t like to bother people and I don’t like to bother God either.

It’s just part of who I am and it kind of aggravates me lol. I want to be able to turn to God and turn to my friends without feeling like I shouldn’t be.

God is still growing me in that. And I am thankful for the love and support I receive from my mentor, and my friends.

This is long, and all over the place, but thanks for reading friends. Sending all the virtual hugs!

-Taylor Kate

these words came to me a few nights ago when i was sitting on the couch creating a new playlist on my phone. i needed something to listen to that night because my mind was overflowing with anxious thoughts.

so i started pulling worship songs that were soft and could fill my ears with truth as i drifted off to sleep.

when i finished adding the songs i titled the playlist: find rest.

and then i started thinking about what those words mean to me in my everyday life. am i really finding rest right now? have i been seeking God in my everyday life still? i’m not entirely sure.

i have been very apathetic lately. and i’m not proud of that. it’s not how i want to feel but right now it’s happening.

but it’s the result of life looking a lot different right now because of this virus that is going around.

school is online. work is closed. and i haven’t been able to see my grandmother or friends in forever.

and i miss those things.

a whole lot.

and it has just caused me to pull back.

but i’m learning that is important to continue to look towards God, and find rest in Him.

even in the middle of times like this. even when i don’t really want to. even when i am fighting apathy.

i have been all too guilty lately of giving into fears and anxieties. because when we are surrounded by news and people talking about what is going on and the impact it will leave on the world, what else would i be doing?

oh yeah. that’s right.

praying.

trusting God.

taking those fears and anxieties to Him.

knowing that no matter what happens, my future is secured in His hands.

that’s what i should be doing.

seek Him wholeheartedly, and find rest in Him alone.

He can still be found.

-Taylor Kate

Give yourself a little grace.

For ALL the moments.

This very moment.

The moment tomorrow when you are working on accounting homework.

The moment on Saturday when you find yourself struggling with something you swore you wouldn’t struggle with again.

The moment on Sunday when you can’t find Jesus in the midst of a sermon.

Satan wants us to feel shame. He wants us to feel the burden of the things we are struggling with.

But here’s the good news:

Grace is always available to us, even when it is hard to allow ourselves to accept it.

God wants us to give ourselves & the other people in our lives grace.

Even when we may not want to.

God has had to teach me a lot about grace, because it is something I haven’t given myself much of recently.

It’s been a vicious cycle of feeling like I haven’t been doing a good enough job at life recently.

But who am I to dictate if I’m doing “good enough?”

& what exactly is “good enough?” I feel like that is something that I am always striving to reach. But I never can quite get there. There is always something else that can be done.

But…

God isn’t keeping tabs on how much I am able to accomplish everyday.

And He doesn’t want me to carry around any shame about the things I am struggling with.

He doesn’t want you to either.

-Taylor Kate

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a close friend as I was trying to make the decision about whether or not I was going to have surgery. I poured out every option that I had, and everything I was feeling.

Every hope. Every fear. Every thought.

I remember her telling me “just take the leap of faith, and trust that Jesus is going to be with you.”

I sighed a secret sigh of relief when she said those words because in that that moment I was reminded that even in the middle of a lot of fear, Jesus was there.

I had another conversation about the same decision that I had to make and I was told “because you have Jesus, you really can’t make the wrong choice here.”

The theme here in my conversations is Jesus. He was fully present in all the conversations that I had that week.

I thought, and I prayed, and I wrestled, and I cried many tears until I came to a decision.

I made the decision to have the surgery.

Even in the midst of all the fear. Even in the midst of all the unknowns.

I chose to trust that healing was right around the corner for me.

I experienced moments of wanting to run, and wanting to cancel the surgery because I was a little afraid. But where would the trust be if I gave into my fears?

4 days ago, I had that surgery. My doctor went in looking to remove a cyst that they had been watching and guess what? It was gone. Crazy. Not what I was expecting. Instead, my doctor came to find that I have endometriosis, on top of the PCOS. Also, not what I was expecting. I didn’t even know it was possible to fight both, but here we are.

And to think that I almost backed out of this surgery 5,654 times because of my fear.

I would have never known that endometriosis was contributing to my pain, if I didn’t take that leap of faith.

I am 4 days in to my 4-6 week recovery, and I have had moments of pain, moments of relief, and lots of time to just rest. Everything that I could do 4 days ago is now just a little harder because of where my stitches are.

God has taught me a lot in the past few days.

He has reminded me how okay it is for me to ask for help.

He has reminded me that rest is a good thing, and not to fight it.

He has reminded me that I am surrounded by an amazing community.

He has reminded me that this is just a season, and that there is hope here.

I am starting to see the light at the end of what was a really hard season, and I am trying to hold onto that.

I was with my mentor a few days ago, and she told me something that really resonated with me. She told me that we get so comfortable in the hard things. In the doctors appointments. In the news that we hear from them. We take comfort in that because it is all we have come to know in certain seasons like this.

But we aren’t called to live in that forever.

Hope is present.

Joy will be found again.

Healing will show up after hard seasons.

-Taylor Kate

231 days.

5,544 hours.

That’s how long it has been since my body started to fail me a little bit.

That’s how long that I have been feeling this nagging pain for.

I have been met with these long hours, and I have had to face them head on.

Whether I have wanted to or not.

If I’m being real honest half the time I don’t want to face the days. I want to stay home until something feels better. But right now that doesn’t look like it is in the books.

I am continuing to be stuck right smack dab in the middle of this season of pain.

(insert sarcastic tone) Seems fair.

Whether I like this season or not (which I really don’t) I have had to face it with courage and faith.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Believing that even now, there is still something that God is trying to show me here.

It has been a constant battle of relentless praying that seems more like begging.

Begging for relief- in any capacity.

Thankfully my nagging prayers don’t bother God. They aren’t any less effective just because they are coming out of a place of utter frustration.

Even though sometimes I feel like He is just. not. hearing. me.

It’s SO easy to want to give up on God when things don’t seem to be going my way. Why am I not healed? He has the power.

Why? Why? Why?

It seems easier to just hide under the covers and wait for my body to heal.

But that is not what God is calling me to do.

He is calling me out to fight this battle and glorify His name in the middle of it.

He is calling me to have hope.

He is calling me to not fear.

He is calling me to rest knowing that He is holding this.

He is calling me to trust Him.

Every day, every doctor appointment, every time I breathe in and feel pain, He is calling me to trust Him.

Where God is, good is being worked.

Whether it’s today. Or tomorrow. Or in 231 more days.

He is going to bring something out of this rather painful season.

And if He is calling me to wait, I am going to be here waiting.

Faithfully and with hope.

Even if I stumble along the way.

-Taylor Kate

Hey friends, I’m back. It’s been a few weeks since I have shown up in this space because honestly it’s been hard to articulate exactly what I want to say here.

It’s crazy how sometimes even when I feel like I have so much to say, I can’t find the right words.

But here I am.

Trying to articulate

&

process

&

encourage.

So stick with me.

The past few days have been heavy on my heart. I am the type of person who feels emotions deeply, and I feel for my friends who are walking through hard times, deeply too, (enneagram 6 anyone?)

And in the course of the last few days, loss has been experienced, and hard stuff has ensued.

No one is ever promised an easy walk on this side of eternity and I have been reminded of that now more than ever.

I have struggled with loss from an early age, and honestly now that I think about it, I feel like God allowed me to go through it at 13 so that I would be able to sit here at 21 and be able to encourage, and love my people who are walking through it now, well.

I didn’t ask for loss.

No one ever does.

But God is using it.

As I was hugging my mentor that night, and then listening to a friend update me on some struggles she’s walking through a few minutes after that- I thanked God for giving me the ability to understand these types of hardships, and losses.

Could I have lived without the loss I experienced? Yes. But am I thankful to be able to understand exactly what my friends are walking through? Definitely.

Because supporting and loving my friends where they are at, is something that is important to me.

This is really the whole idea of community.

Being fully present.

I have walked through hard stuff, and have not had to walk through any of it alone because my friends have always shown up before I have even had to ask.

So, I count it a blessing to be able to walk with my friends as trials and tribulations come up, and to be able to lift them up, point them to Jesus, and love them through it.

Daily.

Hope has been something that I have been clinging onto lately.

Like white-knuckling.

Not letting go.

That type of clinging.

Because hope is what is needed here in seasons like this. As Christian people, we believe and know that these hard seasons are not going to last forever. That’s a promise.

But it’s a challenge nonetheless.

We have hope that God is going to show up, and provide in ways that He knows we need.

I have full on wrestled with hope. So if you are wrestling with hope too, know you are not alone in it.

I am wrestling with you, and hoping for you. And I am ready to give all the hugs if that is needed too.

Continue to lean into hope. And always know that there are people in your corner.

-Taylor Kate

Life keeps changing still. I feel sort of out of control of it all. (But was I ever supposed to be in control of it?) Probably not.

I had to change my major again, and I think this is like the third time that has happened. I’ve gotten to the point where I am not as bummed that it had to change, but I am more discouraged because I’m just not seeing a plan.

I’m tired of things changing. It’s so dang exhausting. I want some sort of consistency but that’s just not what is happening.

It’s discouraging not knowing what path to take. It’s discouraging when I can’t see what it is my purpose is. It sends me spiraling into the trap of not thinking I have much of a purpose here.

But even still, I get up, because as long as I have breathe in my lungs, God wants to do something.

And most days it’s a battle. But I still find a little fight in me everyday.

I read something that a friend messaged me this morning and it said “You wouldn’t still be here if there wasn’t more to your story.” And all I can say is wow. I read that and then read it again, because I felt like that was God speaking into my life, and reminding me that He’s not done yet.

I might be done. But God is not finished yet. And that’s all that really matters. If He isn’t finished with me, I can’t be finished with me.

I have spent a lot of time questioning in this season, but we know this. Purpose? Questioned. Worth? Questioned. What kind of coffee I want in the morning? Questioned. (But that answer always ends up being iced, point blank.)

All I can say is thank God that He carries me even when I doubt it, because without His hand holding me I’d be a sinking ship.

I have fought wars in my mind, as I have walked through more of life changing-and it’s time to stop being afraid of the breakthrough.

It’s time to believe God wants to do more.

Because these wars aren’t mine to fight on my own anymore. There is something so beautiful about surrendering the things that have weighed down the heart. It’s freeing. It’s life-changing.

And most importantly it gives God room to do the things that only God can do.

So surrender.

With all uncertainty-surrender, and know, that God in all His power won’t let that act of obedience go unseen.

-Taylor Kate

Close to every conversation I have with Maura ends with a simple phrase.

Go forth & conquer.

I’m not sure how it all started, but it is something that I have held on to.

We could be talking about anything here. Doing homework. Making lunch. Brewing coffee. Doing laundry. Going to work. Reading the Bible.

Anything that can be conquered.

Lately though, when our conversations have ended like this I have given a soft smile, and said in reply “I feel like I’m being conquered.” The homework is a lot. I don’t have energy to make lunch. Laundry is a chore that gets put off. And I haven’t really touched my Bible in months.

None of this stuff makes me proud. I have had to straight up sit with my struggle knowing that right now I’m being conquered. And that’s just how it is.

There’s day like that. There’s seasons like that. But it’s not wasted. (I’m learning that) no season is ever wasted. And what an amazing promise that is.

Lately I have been reminded a lot about God’s promises. I’ve been reminded by friends, and people who have surrounded me at church.

Constantly. Like every day. Multiple times a day.

It’s a blessing to have people like that.

And today- let me tell you about today.

I found myself sitting deep in conviction. A conviction I haven’t felt in a while. A conviction that has led me to (maybe) believe that God is still interested in my heart and what I’m suffering through.

This conviction is coming at me full speed ahead because lately, well I haven’t believed that. I haven’t let myself be encouraged and comforted by the promises of God. I haven’t let myself believe that God still wants me, and my heart, and my mess.

I have let Satan win, again. I have been convinced that this is all a waste, and that there is no purpose for the pain I am walking through.

But God.

He thinks otherwise. And I’m going to be honest in this space I’ve created. It’s easy to type that out, but it’s something I’m in a constant wrestle about. I want to so badly be able to get up in the morning and declare that God is still good, and that He thinks I’m still worthy in this season that is making me feel unworthy. It’s believing those words that’s the issue.

I’ve been told throughout this whole season that I am stronger than I know, and owning up to my strength is a challenge, but the last thing I feel is strong.

But I think that strength can be found in the small moments:

The moments that are filled with a little bit of laugher. The moments that are filled with encouraging words from friends. The moments where for a second hope is ignited. The moments that I’m crying out to God on my bedroom floor. The moments that remind me that there is still life for me to live.

There’s still life

still hope

even here.

So go forth & conquer.

-Taylor Kate

Things are constantly changing. Whether it be exciting or mundane- change is a constant theme in this life.

Some change is really exciting. The day you move into a new apartment. The day you watch your best friend get married.

There’s a positive anticipation when getting ready to experience any type of good change.

But what about the change that comes without warning? Or the change that suddenly shakes your world a little bit? No one is ever super thrilled about that, but sure enough it’ll show up at the front door with no warning.

I’ve experienced a lot of that type of change lately. Change that is supposed to be positive, but that came so sudden it kind of just knocked me off my feet a little.

I was left wondering what my life is going to look like from here on out. How long will it take me to get used to everything? Life isn’t always comfortable and that is something that God is teaching me right now. He is teaching me how to trust Him still in the midst of so much change, even though He can probably see that I am not a big fan of it right now.

Emotions are high and I am ever so thankful that God never asks me to compartmentalize my feelings-even though that is the response in me as a human. I am walking each day of this season feeling the things that demand to be felt, and trusting that God will continue to carry me through it all.

-Taylor Kate