It’s been a long time (once again) since I have shown up in this space.

And to be honest, I have been trying to come back on here for a while, but fear of being known has held me back. Which is kind of crazy, because I used to be able to just hop on here with anything and everything knowing that God could use every bit of my crazy story. The enemy has gotten into my head a lot in the last few months and has convinced me to stay quiet in a season where I should be doing anything but that.

I have shared a lot about my endometriosis, and it is such a hard road. Something that was specifically hard about that diagnosis was the fact that a doctor that I saw took me off of every food in the world in an attempt to decrease some pain. While it might have worked for a little while, it left lasting effects that I was not prepared to deal with.

After my excision surgery almost two years ago, my surgeon told me that there was no need for me to avoid any of the foods that I had spent avoiding for a year.

I should have been relieved by that, and at the beginning of that news I think I was…But guess what? After a few months of trying to eat normally, I just couldn’t. I still caught myself avoiding certain foods out of fear and distrust of my body and I never really was able to pull myself from that diet I had been put on a year prior.

What happened next is what really shook me to my core.

In May of last year, I had to get my wisdom teeth out. I most definitely wasn’t excited for that but I chalked it up to just another procedure that would come and go. My teeth came out and everything seemed fine. But, my doctor advised me to eat a soft, pretty much liquid diet for a few weeks while I was healing. Obviously, I could have guessed that after getting teeth removed I wouldn’t be able to eat regular food for a while. Duh Taylor. But hearing those words spun me out of control, and I sunk pretty quickly.

I was reminded of what that last doctor did to me and I froze dead in my tracks. I quickly fell back into distrust and fear. I was eating very little for weeks, even after my dentist gave me the all clear, which is exactly what happened with my endometriosis doctor.

Hello flashbacks.

I didn’t really think much of it until one day I realized that my clothes didn’t fit and I was feeling really weak.

Something was wrong.

I quickly was faced with a scary reality. I had developed an eating disorder.

All the years of having to restrict foods in order to protect myself and stay out of pain has landed me in a place where I never thought I would be in.

A few months after trying to fix it on my own and failing (shocker)… I started seeing a dietician and at first I was really scared about it. I had to regain weight, fight discomfort of eating more calories than I was used to, and try to find my strength again, all while having to share my story with a brand new person in a different state. I was fighting quite the internal battle and who am I kidding… I definitely still fight that internal battle.

The dietician that I started seeing was and is nothing short of an answered prayer. God knew I needed help, even when I wanted to keep denying my need. He provided me with the perfect team. I know He handpicked her to help me through my recovery.

At first I was just afraid to eat in general. I didn’t trust food at all. I didn’t trust in my body’s ability to handle what I was putting in it. How was I supposed to so quickly just forget the trauma that my body endured with endometriosis?

And then things got harder when I started to get body conscious after hearing comments from a variety of people.

Why are you eating that? Are you really going to finish that meal? That half & half has a lot of fat in it, you’re going to gain weight.

These comments aren’t necessary, & they most definitely don’t help someone who is already hearing those thoughts inside their own head. I argue with my eating disorder voice enough. I don’t need the outside world to be noisy too.

I fight against those thoughts everyday in order to eat meals and snacks as I need to. I’m not perfect. But I’m learning. I’m learning what it’s like to trust my body and release the shackles of my need to be in control. Not eating makes me feel like I am in control. But in reality I can only be in control when I am taking care of myself and fueling my body properly.

When I restrict, my eating disorder takes the wheel & she is not allowed to drive. Give me back the keys.

Just as I was finally eating better and improving, I found out that my endometriosis is making a come back. & I was honestly really angry. I could tell a few weeks ago that it was trying to come back, but I prayed and prayed that it wouldn’t. Despite my best efforts and prayers, my pain is back. I have questioned God up and down and asked Him why. Why did you give me 1.5 pain free years, if it was just going to come back? How the HECK am I supposed to eat everyday when I was conditioned to believe that food was dangerous and going to make endometriosis worse?

Come on, God. Please cut me some slack.

I’ve asked all these questions and I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers. But regardless of the unexpected news, I’m still fighting forward.

I can see so clearly the sovereignty of God right now. He built up my team and gave me a dietician who has been walking with me for months. She reminds me of the things that I need to hear, even when they are hard. She supports me. She challenges me & she constantly reminds me that I’m not alone in this. She reminds me why nutrition is important to my healing body when I am quick to forget.

I’m still feeling a lot of anger in regards to my endometriosis but I’m so thankful to have people now who are in my corner speaking truth, and encouraging me to keep nourishing my body. K is changing the narrative for me, and she is helping me believe that there is no reason to fear food. I’m getting there slowly. I remember a few weeks ago she told me food is medicine and even though last week was probably one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while, I’m ready to walk into the new week and give it my all to believe that. I just need to stop trying to stay in the eating disorder that constantly convinces me to believe lies.

Thank you Jesus for equipping your people to help with these hard things & for giving me the very best of those people.

Here’s to taking it one day at a time.

Taylor Kate