The more like Jesus you are, the more suffering you will experience in this life.

These words were uttered at church this morning, and stopped my thoughts dead in their tracks. Suffering has been a constant in my life as of lately. Relentless endo pain. The daily battle with the eating disorder. Grief. Do walking through those things make me more like Jesus? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still learning to carry a cross that I didn’t choose for myself, and would actually never choose for myself in this lifetime. No one ACTUALLY wants to walk through hard things. But the words “Be like Jesus” keep running through my head today. How I respond to my suffering is what grows me to be more like Jesus. I absolutely don’t always respond well, or trust Him. In the last 48 hours I’ve cried a lot of tears. But I know even in that it’s still Christ-like because Jesus wept too. Sometimes I just wish I had the strength He had. Thankfully – He’s always willing to pour out His strength into my tired body. Despite whether I feel like I deserve it or not. Isn’t is amazing that we don’t have to earn anything from Him?

But the question still stands: Why isn’t He allowing me to feel better? Is it because He’s still pruning me? Preparing me for the answers to my endless prayers? Wants me to carry this cross forever? Who knows. I’ve been faithful in showing up in the hard places. Appointments. Hospitals. Church (most of the time). All places that are helpful and healing but so hard. Appointments and hospitals speak for themselves as hard places. Church, well, that isn’t supposed to be a hard place, but when you’re in the middle of the wrestle- dang is it tough to sit at church and praise a God that you aren’t even sure is on your side right now. Nonetheless, I show up, tuck myself in the far right hand corner next to my friend, and I listen. And worship. And feel my feelings. Despite pain. Despite faith feeling futile right now. Despite not knowing what the next right thing to do is.

Chronic pain tends to leave me in an “I don’t know what to do” cycle a lot. No one talks about how much you doubt yourself and your body’s ability to do the littlest things when you’re in chronic pain. And it’s always a wonder if what I did to help today is going to help tomorrow. Most of the time the answer is no. But sometimes I get lucky. It’s a daily act of surrender. Waking up and taking my supplements, seeing all my providers & praying that maybe today will be the day where I will feel a little more like myself.

Tomorrow is a new day filled with more unknowns as I meet with my surgeon and discuss new treatment options, once again. But I know I can sit in that zoom call with my head held high, because I know God is already there & already knows what I need.

Here I am Lord, have your way.

-Taylor Kate