Trust God.

Two words that I literally had to cling to all week. & thanks to a sticky note from a coworker I had this reminder in front of my face everyday – to ensure that I would actually remember to trust even when I felt like my faith was off roading. Because that’s what it has felt like lately; faith is anything but solid.

Trauma breaks trust. My medical trauma has broken trust with doctors. It has also broken trust with God at times. How can I trust that God is still good even when circumstances feel otherwise? Pain comes, and God allows. But I stay in the wrestle. Sticking it out in the tension of the now and not yet.

This last week was the week that I had equally been waiting for and dreading. I knew it was going to come with some heaviness, but ultimately some answers too. At least that’s what I hoped. We all want answers and after a month + of waiting for results, I got mine.

What a sense of relief when I heard my doctor say “you have an autoimmune disease”. Weird huh? That I would be relieved by that. But only because for months I’ve been feeling like my body has been working against me in different ways than my endometriosis already does. It was validating to know that there was an explanation for the new pain.

Don’t get me wrong, there was still a rush tears in the middle of the parking lot after the appointment, followed by thoughts of okay what now? What do I do with this information and how is it going to impact my day to day life? There was anger, and grief, and a rush of fear. It was in the parking lot that I was reminded that strong faith weeps. I have faith, and I believe that Jesus can heal, but He hasn’t chosen that to be part of my story.. yet. So tears fall as I thank God for the answer, but pose the question of why this?

The Bible reminds us that Jesus wept. And that is encouraging to me in this season, because I know that it’s okay for me to be sad in the midst of the things I wouldn’t choose for myself. I have to make the conscious decision EVERYDAY to trust God with my life, even when it makes zero sense to me to still trust. He knows I wouldn’t choose this for myself, but He also knows what I need, and I am just over here in my corner of the world trying to wrap my brain around His plan. Hoping that healing in some capacity is still in the plan… somewhere.

Navigating endometriosis & rheumatoid arthritis & an eating disorder is anything but simple but I know God gives me the strength day in and out to keep moving forward, because I’m still here walking it all out.

Fear not, easy to say, not easy to do. In the fire, in the waters, Lord fixate my eyes on you.

– Taylor Kate