There is one thing I have learned in this lifetime, and it’s that absolutely nothing goes as planned. Ever.

I was under the impression last month that I was going to be able to take a nice little break from MRI’s. I let my shoulders fall for a minute and I thanked God for the pause I thought I was about to experience. But then, on a random Thursday as I was wrapping up one of the craziest days at work my phone rings. I look down thinking it’s a friend- and to my surprise, I see “Mayo Clinic” and my heart sinks, hoping that it’s just the billing department, I answer it. Upon answering I hear the words “Hi this is your endocrinologist, is this Taylor?” I quietly said yes, as if my muted tones would soften the blow of whatever news she was about to give me.

She went on explaining the reason for her call, and ended up stating that I was going to need to come back up to Mayo for a brain MRI.

I was disheartened & hesitant to say yes. But I agreed knowing that there was no easy way out of the conversation I was having.

On Friday I ventured back out to Jacksonville to spend my Friday night in a MRI machine.

It was a long drive and by the time I finally got to the hospital I was exhausted, and filled with anxiety as I approached the waiting room.

As I walked through the doors a flood of feelings overtook me-my body remembered the trauma that took place the last time I was in this waiting room back in 2019. I had to convince myself that this time would be different, that this time I was going to be okay.

I did the usual paper work, changed into the hospital gown, got my IV, and then sat down and waited. After reaching out to a few friends for prayers, the doctors were calling my name.

I walked back to the room not really knowing how to feel in the moment.

The nurses got me situated and asked me if I wanted to listen to music during my scan, and in an effort to drown out the piercing sounds, I said yes. Needless to say I choose Christian music since I was desperate for peace as I tried to focus on anything but what was actually happening. The nurse hit play, and the very first song that came on was Promises by Maverick City Music. That’s been my song recently as I have continued to wrestle my way through an exhausting season.

The lyrics of this song seemed to resonate with my heart way more that night than ever before.

“In the middle of my storm.

In the middle of my trial

When I’m in the middle of the road

and I don’t know which way to go…

I’ll still bless you. I’ll still bless you.

I’ve got a reason to bless you!

You’ve been so good to me.

Great is your faithfulness to me.”

I heard these words and so many thoughts started racing through my mind: God sees me. He’s with me in this annoying scan. He knows what the results are going to be. Why is it so bright in here? God is still good even in the uncertainty. Wow this machine sounds like the painters that were outside my office the other day hacking away at the stairs. God provides me with His strength when I don’t have enough of my own. God will be faithful despite what I find out. He has always provided in every health predicament. I will continue to worship God in the middle.

As you can tell, my thought process was hindered by the noises, and honestly I got a little frustrated by how loud it was that night. But nonetheless God was present.

It was hard. It’s not something I want to do ever again. But I made it out of the scan, which was an accomplishment in itself.

As I wait for the next phone call, I’m continuing to believe that the Lord has healing in His plans for me. It’s not promised, but I know He can do anything He wants.

I’m walking the thin line of being hopeful and scared. But this thin line is where I have to surrender the fears of the unknown to a God who isn’t afraid of anything.

-Taylor Kate