Healing isn’t linear. But I already knew that.

I am never going to forget the trauma that has impacted my life. But I already knew that.

In order to heal fully, I have to allow myself to feel my emotions. But I already knew that.

A lot of things have come to the surface of my mind in the past few days and it has caused me to wrestle.

A lot.

I am wrestling with stuff that has happened in my past, that are affecting my present struggles.

It’s crazy that at 21 I am just now learning how to heal from things that happened to me when I was 2.

I really don’t like the season that I am walking through. I never really have. And if it were up to me I would have allowed it to be done but now. But that isn’t my call to make. I’m no magician, and my control, no matter how much I want it- isn’t very high.

Scripture tells us that as Christians we aren’t promised an easy walk. We are going to be challenged, and sometimes (a lot of times) there are going to be moments of doubt. Because we can’t see the future- and that drives us crazy, well at least it drives me crazy.

I want an easy walk. But once again, I don’t call the shots. I’m walking the narrow path towards full life in Christ that is lined with trials that are testing my faith.

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” -Matthew 7:14

This verse is one that I was reminded of a few days ago by my mentor, and I had never really given it much thought until now.

Small, and narrow paths are HARD.

There is not much wiggle room, and there’s a lot of discomfort.

& I am constantly met with the reality that no part of my story right now is fun, or easy.

But this hard path leads to life-because it leads to Jesus. And walking the hard path gives us no choice but to lean into Him, and trust that He is going to provide strength, and grace, and literally everything else we need during the trying seasons.

I don’t know why my story is unfolding the way it is, packed with doctors appointment, loss, and lots of emotions- but I can’t change my story or my past, and I have no choice but to honor God through my trauma.

And it’s not easy to do that.

Because trauma makes people want to hide their face & run.

But God calls us to step out & share our story no matter how messy it is.

He has pulled me through some c r a z y things since I was a little kid, and I know there has to be purpose in that.

My traumatic brain injury at 2 makes me wonder where God was in Publix that day, and why He didn’t use His power to protect me when I was in that cart. Because He could of. And that’s the hardest part for me. He could have protected me but instead, I fell.

Maybe just so I could look back now and see exactly what He’s pulled me through.

I don’t remember what those moments were like-but my body still remembers. Subconsciously I know it remembers. And I’m not going to lie, whenever I see a kid in a shopping cart not strapped in, I always want to say something.

I have known what it is like to have to fight ever since that very day at 2 years old when I was laying in an operating room, I imagine surrounded by a ton of doctors, probably a lot of loud machines, and the pleading prayers of my parents and their friends coming from the waiting room.

God in His goodness answered the prayers that were uttered during those uncertain days in the hospital: And I’m still here.

He wasn’t done with me yet, and it is just crazy to think that I survived an injury like that.

Some days I forget that this is part of my story, and when I remember it knocks the wind out of me.

It took physical therapy, occupational therapy, and 6 months of seizure medication-but I’m standing here today able to walk, talk, and write. All because God chose to give me life.

He is so good.

For as long as I can remember, I was told that God chose me to be a fighter. He handpicked me to fight. And sometimes I wonder why He chose me, because it isn’t always easy, and I don’t always want it.

& sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t experience a brain injury.

Would I still find myself living in fight or flight mode?

Would I still be filled with anxiety every time I have a doctors appointment?

Would I have had this much strength to be able to get through the past year of my life that has been filled with health problems?

I won’t ever know the answer to these questions. Because I will never know a life before my brain injury.

There is not one thing I can do to change my story, and even though it can be tricky to find joy in this season, I have been learning what it means to keep trusting despite the circumstances, and start working through the things that God has revealed in my life, trauma and all.

It’s messy, and emotional. But this is what it looks like to fight the good fight.

God isn’t finished with me yet.

Taylor Kate