The Journey To A Great Surrender

I’m an extrovert. I love to talk. I love to be with friends. I love to be anywhere where there are people.

But when hard times strike, the extrovert in me shuts down. The girl who loves God, and loves people starts to hide. I hide out of fear of burdening others. Out of fear of not being good enough. Out of fear that God is gone.

Today I sat in church, and I literally mean I just sat. I could barely sing, and I had a hard time focusing on the message. I honestly don’t know what got me there this morning. My heart is cold, and I am a little lifeless. Yes, I’m still here, getting up every day, surviving to the best of my ability, but I am doing it all without God. I’ve lost the desire to read my bible, and pray, and talk about the things that God is doing in my life.

Because right now it’s a challenge.

In the middle of this season of waiting it has been so hard to shift my focus. It’s hard to practice gratitude on a daily basis. I know deep down, that there are always things for me to be grateful for. I have great friends, amazing mentors, & coffee is a thing.

But the devil has me trapped. Like in a box that tapped shut type of trapped.

And I’m screaming.

It’s suffocating.

It’s lonely.

Because God doesn’t seem present in the isolation.

Community seems hard.

It is so real, and I am fighting the war that is waging. A war that Satan wants to win.

And right now, if I am being honest. That’s where I am.

I’ve avoided community because it seems safer not to be seen in the struggle. But I’m learning that community is meant to help in times of struggle. I fight it so hard because I am stubborn person, and don’t want to bother people, but God has given me the community He has to remind me of truth, and promises- when my mind starts to forget. And even when I don’t want to ask for help, my people show up for me anyway.

Let me tell you, today I was reminded of that community. Two close friends talked to me after church today and asked me how I was doing. I tried to dodge the question but of course, that didn’t happen, so I was honest about where I was at-and they challenged me. I had to bring up the fact that I have been neglecting my faith, and trying to walk through this season without reading my bible, and without being in community. It was a hard conversation for me to have, but I’m so thankful to have friends who love me enough to remind me that I need to be active in the Word, active in community, and who point me back to God, even when I am running a million miles in the wrong direction. They are lights that God shines through to show Himself to me, and I am blessed by that.

Brick by brick the walls of isolation will crumble.

-Taylor Kate

“How do you speak to yourself on a daily basis?”

I was asked this question a few days ago, and I was convicted, because lately I haven’t been that nice to myself. I’m guilty of it. I haven’t spoken life over my body, or mind. I have been stuck in a trap thinking that my body is to sick to be healed, and that I am hard to love because of the things I’m walking through.

And I have started to believe those things.

But it’s time to break those lies down.

Word by word.

Letter by letter.

Recognizing them as lies from the enemy that are only meant to destroy.

Trading them for truth.

Truth that brings life.

“How does God see you in this season?”

A question that I asked myself.

He sees me as whole, and perfect. What I think is broken, God thinks is beautiful, and how could I sit here and think of something that He created as not good enough?

There is beauty in brokenness. God will use it. God can use it.

I think that worth is something that everyone struggles with at one point or another. And I’m not going to lie, as I am walking this walk, I have struggled on and off with my worth. Some days more than others. I question it when I am sick, and feel like I’m not able to accomplish much. I question it on mornings that I have headaches, and evenings when I am too dizzy to stand.

God can’t be good right now, and He can’t be using these things. How could He bring something good out of this. Right?

Wrong!

My friends still tell me that He is good. Even when I am not feeling good. Even when I don’t get the right answers. Even when I don’t feel like myself.

He is good. And that’s hard to me to type out. And hard for me to believe for myself right now.

But it’s spoken over me daily- by the people He has blessed me with.

There’s something about being stuck in the middle for so long that just makes me feel restless. Like I want to move. But God has me here, and He is forcing me to sit in it. He’s forcing me to surrender control, and trust in Him in the middle of this wilderness, where I don’t really see a way out, but know deep down that there is one-somewhere.

Right now, He’s teaching me to believe truth, and to not believe the lies that creep into my mind.

So here I am-making a brave decision to get up everyday even when I know all I’m going to be doing is waiting.

Speaking truth in the waiting.

There will be life here. In the middle of it all.

Taylor Kate

They had me stare at a black box that was in the middle of this blank screen for 14 minutes and click a button every time I saw the fine lines.
I would see a few lines. And then it would go blank. And I would sit there, praying I would see another line. These lines were blinking so fast, and let me tell you, 14 minutes felt like an eternity. My eyes were tired, and I was frustrated knowing that I wasn’t seeing everything I was supposed to be seeing. I knew the awkward pauses were not normal, and that made it hard. The test ended, and it was one of those tests where you find out the results right away.

So I waited.

I sat in the office alone, waiting for this doctor to come in with the results. I texted some friends asking for prayers at that moment. I sat there and prayed for good answers. Prayed that God was going to show up. Prayed that maybe just maybe I would leave feeling relieved.
My prayers were not answered. At least not yet. The doctor looked at me square in the eyes and said that he thinks there is a lot of pressure pushing on my brain, whacking up my vision field. So in two weeks, I have to go back. And do it again.

The theme of the season continues.

God continues to teach me patience as I WRESTLE with wanting answers right now. For whatever reason He wants me to continue to wait, so I am trying to do so faithfully, even when it’s hard.

But these fast blinking fine lines reminded me a lot about my faith, and how I have been walking with God. I have been quick to leave and hide. I have been quick to become unseen. Because who wants to be seen in the middle of a dark season? Not me

But the thing about God is that He is that black box in the middle of the screen that did not move at all. He stays. He stays when I am scared. He stays when I am running. He stays when I am screaming at the top of my lungs because I am angry that I have to sit through yet another test. Or a doctor’s appointment.

He stays. And it amazes me that He loves me enough to not leave.

That even when I have hit my breaking point. He is still there, and He still wants to welcome me in.

If you ask me what has gotten me through this season, I would tell you that it is the prayers of my friends. They have prayed for me when I haven’t been able to utter words. They have prayed for me when I was questioning whether or not I wanted to believe in God, they have been an anchor, and have continued to encourage me, and point me back to God every single day. They speak truth over me and it keeps me going.

There is something that is keeping me from completely throwing my hands up in the air, and it’s community, and their prayers, and God’s strength that is being provided to me every time I walk through the doors of a doctor’s office, even when I don’t think it’s there. There is a reason I am making is through this.

I want to do more than just survive. I want to live. And live well. I want to believe with my whole heart that God is going to deliver me from this battle and that He will answer my prayers, and heal me completely.

But if full healing isn’t in His plans for me. I will continue to live my life honoring Him through the suffering I am enduring.

Taylor Kate

The first thing I think of when I think of the word “waiting” is the day that I was hopping on a plane to visit a friend. I live in Florida which means it rains 99.98% of the summer, and that means that there’s a chance that flights are going to get delayed if you try to take off in the evening- like I was trying to do.

After my flight got delayed, I had made it to my layover in Denver, but I was late. Part of me was hoping that miraculously the second flight had been pushed back a little bit. But when I arrived at the gate the kind lady looked me in the eyes and said “I’m sorry dear, your flight took off 30 minutes ago. You’ll have to fly out in the morning.” Heart. Sink. Guess who had to sleep in the airport that night? Me.

I had to wait 11 hours in a freezing, empty, airport for my flight the next morning at 8 am.

And that night, life taught me a lot about waiting.

I learned that it’s hard. I learned that it’s cold. I learned that it’s lonely. I learned that sometimes it takes longer than I want it to.

And here I am, walking through a season that is reminding me of my sleepover at the Denver airport.

This season has been one of the longest seasons that I have had to endure. I have gone through plenty of days that are lonely, and hard, and long; in and out of doctor’s offices, placing every ounce of my hope in those doctors. And guess what? I have been let down, over and over and over, because they haven’t given me many answers yet- except for telling me that I have to get more tests run before they can know for sure.

Which has left me to be able to do two things:

W a i t

&

H o p e

And to be completely honest- I’m tired of waiting. 

It’s hard to hold onto hope when hope feels lost. It’s hard to cling to God when God feels far. 

My thoughts have waged war. Fear has stolen my peace. The enemy has hidden the light of God from me.

But somehow I’m hanging on. I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other- and fight.

I fight against the lies that the enemy has filled my head with. I fight against the lies that try to convince me that I’m hard to love in this season. I fight against the lies that tell me that this season will never end.

Being in the middle of so many unknowns doesn’t lead me to want to think that God is still good. Or that He is still for me. Often times, I’m convinced that He has completely forgotten about me.

But I have had to stand here, and remind myself 15495345 million times a day that God does not forget about His children.

Even now. Even today. Even when it is so dang hard. Even when I am sitting through yet another appointment. Questioning everything.

He holds it all together- even when I feel like I am falling apart piece by piece.

He’s the rock at the bottom, catching those broken pieces, and knitting them back together. So I can continue to:

fight

&

hope

&

trust

&

wait- for victory from the battle.

-Taylor Kate

 

Taylor Kate

 

 

I’ve reached the point in this season of my life where I am completely ready (at least I think I am) to surrender control aka the wheel- to Jesus. I’ve found myself white knuckling the steering wheel of my life trying to convince myself that I can do this on my own for way too long.

Let’s all laugh together- because it’s not possible.

And if you know me, you know that I am absolutely terrible at asking for help. But God continues to show me that I can ask for help…

and that it is o k a y.

The things I am learning to walk through are scary, and the unknowns are still enough to fill my head with every fear in the world. The enemy is sitting at my throat, taking the breathe out of my lungs.

But guess what? Jesus is there too, and I can picture Jesus and the enemy hashing it out up there for my heart, and my breath. Jesus will ultimately win the battle, it’s just taking me a while to be able to hear Him amidst the noise of the enemy.

Through it all, Jesus gives me community, and friends who walk beside me and intercede on my behalf in prayer.

And it’s so so important to have that. Praise the Lord for His people.

A lady that I babysit for told me that it is when we are in our darkest moments that we have an opportunity to draw nearest to God. He will speak, He will show himself worthy of praise. Choosing joy, choosing life is HARD. Anxiety and fear, once they come around enough, nearly become old friends, and it’s easier to give into those feelings (even when they’re not nice).

Mic drop.

It’s all so true. But in this darkness I haven’t been able to see Jesus well. It’s time to pull out the flashlight aka the Bible, which has been on my bedroom floor for at least a week. I hate to admit it, but it has been SO dang hard to open up that book.

Even though I know that’s where peace lives.

I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father…and wait for Him to provide answers.

Taylor Kate

 

 

Today I was reminded that everything that happens in our lives, good, and bad is all a part of God’s plan. Granted, I already knew that, but this time around it was honestly hard to hear. I took a deep breathe and shrunk into my seat after I was reminded of this fact, because right now the things that are coming up in my life are scary. And well, I’m questioning God’s plan & goodness.

God knows EXACTLY what I am going to find out on Thursday, and He isn’t afraid. He is ready to give me strength for whatever is thrown my way. And He is ready to grow me through it. This is a season where I am watching my faith be challenged, and waiting in hopeful expectation that in the end-my faith will grow, and I will grow. Even if right now I’m completely terrified, because let’s be real. I am.

There is no hiding from the scary. Trust me. I’ve tried on a hundred different days, and a million different ways to hide from the scary things. It’s just not possible.

Even if right now I’m running millions of miles away from God, I’m still not far enough for Him to not want to be with me. I’m working on inviting God into where I am, because in the end He will meet me here, teach me here, and love me here. In the end, He will walk me into whatever I have been avoiding, because there is no growth in avoiding the hard, and if I truly trust God with my life, what’s the point of avoiding things?

But here we are, and I’m going to be real honest with you people. I’m avoiding. I know deep down that God’s got this. But I’m only human, and I have real fears that are creeping up, and ya know what? God still loves me, even when I am not pursuing Him completely. And He will continue to love me, every. step. of. the. way.

And if you are my friend, or know me outside the walls of this blog. Thank you for praying with me, walking with me, and supporting me through this whole season. I love you. 

Taylor Kate

 

 

 

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.”   –Psalm 107:1 

This verse is one you might recognize. Specifically, around the holidays (approaching our beloved day of turkey) or maybe, like me, you hear the tune of a popular song from years back…with familiar faces from your home church singing along to the tune or maybe you’ve never seen these words at all.  

This verse (let’s be honest, the whole psalm in general) has spoken to me a lot recently. But it started long before today. So, come along for a ride and let’s throw it back to get a little glimpse of how Jesus showed me how He moves in everyday life even when we might not see it.   

Alas, it was a stormy night in November…kidding. Had to be dramatic on someone else’s blog while I have the chance. Anywho… it was just before Thanksgiving 2018. I accidentally memorized the verse above while having dinner with one of my favorite families from my local church. As each of the kids repeated these words, I was reminded of just how many things that God has given us to be thankful for. It was sweet to witness then, but it’s even sweeter to reflect and see how this moment has continued past that night. 

The following week, while enjoying Friendsgiving during my Monday night community group, I felt compelled to read it aloud while we were sitting and sharing what we were thankful for.  

Still, even after reflecting that second time, the story would continue.  

Spring semester of 2019 came and went. And if we’re being honest here, I am so glad it’s gone. Now, I can sit back and laugh with the clarity of today. But in those moments, I was so confused and had no idea where I was in life or what I was supposed to learn. The number of lessons I learned in a short few months astounds me, and I wouldn’t take those back. Extremely long story short I found out that: regular sleep is indeed a beautiful thing, accounting classes are extremely hard, it’s okay to fail one of those said classes, friendships are hard and change often but are worth it, you shouldn’t take the people around you for granted, patience is a virtue, and God doesn’t ever wander…but I sure do. 

June of 2019, while sitting in church with some of my friends from my “old” college small group Psalm 107 made another appearance. As the pastor asked us to turn to the specific scripture, I flipped open the hardcover Bible from the pew in front of me and landed perfectly on a specific page…the exact psalm on the exact page…on the first try. As the wise Taylor Johnson (aka the best small group leader/friend in history) famously says, “Is it odd or is it God?”. Regardless of potential coincidence, it got my attention. The pastor continued, explaining each section of the psalm and detailed the four examples of different types of people that the passage portrayed.  

We noticed the choices that they made, the places and circumstances they found themselves in, how God responded to them, and ultimately what He is capable of and what He has promised. He spoke about how each of us has been and will be those same types of people. In our different walks of life, journeys, and experiences, we too can resonate with it all. That whole sermon led to my reflection of how thankful I was for the family that helped me stumble upon these words in November, how grateful I am for each person in my life, and made me realize just how much I related to those words on those thin pages before me.  

And now…for the grand finale…stay with me here, we have found ourselves on Wednesday, July 17, 2019. With the story having come relatively full circle.  

After a phone conversation with R.M.G., (who was 1,344 miles away but still manages to seem right by my side) I was reminded of this psalm that he had just read through. I thought back to all those moments I described and felt something tugging me to go back and visit. So that’s where I found myself this morning. As I read through line by line, I couldn’t help but tear up as I felt my Jesus speaking straight to my heart. 

 You see, I wasn’t just reading the words in verses 23-32. I had just lived them in that very semester that I enjoyed so much (sarcasm of course). Instead, I was finally receiving the clarity of what this past “season” was and can now say that I know a little more of why I walked through it.  

I had seen the wonderful things God had done in my life and others. I knew He was good; I knew what was true about Him. Yet in those moments when life got crazy, when I was exhausted, when I was scared, confused, unsure, and doubtful, I chose to try to go it alone. Instead of running to the One who could help me and trusting the things that He has taught me all these years, I chose to run the other way. God doesn’t ever wander…but I sure do.  

Just like the scripture says, the wind and waves rose, and I reeled and staggered instead of standing firm in what I knew and believed. I was at my wit’s end, hopeless and overwhelmed by the circumstances that I placed myself in. Then I cried out. He answered. He delivered me from my distress. He made the storm still and hushed those waves that I was sinking deep into. Then I was so glad, just like the psalmist. Glad that He has finally brought me to this desired haven, and I can breathe again.  

Let me be the first to tell you, the Lord is faithful in doing what He has promised, and I am constantly forgetting it. I forgot it then and am fully reminded of it now. Here, from my desired haven God has led me to, I will give thanks. I will ponder His love that is gentle, kind, personal, unending, patient with me, and steadfast through all ages. It will never wander, but I will. Even then, He still loves despite and because of this I will praise Him for who He is and what He has given to me.  

“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.” –Psalm 107:2-3 

Here I am. My life fully redeemed by Jesus because of the life He lived and the death He died…for me and you. Saved over and over again because of His grace and because of His love. So here I am saying so, thanking Him for this beautiful life, the wonderful people in it, and all the lessons learned. Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So. 

Maura Lindsay 

College student. Lover of Sweatshirts. Quoter of Vines.   

Ya know, I live in Florida, the flattest state in all of the land. So I don’t know what it’s like to have to walk uphill for a long period of time. The only time I walk uphill is when Maura and I walk the bridge by our house. That is just about the only “hill” I ever have to climb as long as I am living in Florida.

Even though I haven’t been doing much literal climbing, life is an uphill battle a lot of the time. Cue The Climb by Miley Cyrus

I am still facing days where I am tired, and feel like I am just dragging myself through my days. God gives me extra grace for those days but when it comes to me allowing myself to receive that grace, I struggle.

I don’t know if it’s because I don’t think I deserve the grace, or I feel like I should just be able to somehow get through all of this without God’s grace and strength, but whatever my reasons are, they aren’t right. I’m just a person, so desperate for God.

Our worst days are never so bad that we are beyond the reach of God’s grace, and our good days are never so good that we are beyond the need for God’s grace.

With that being said: Every. Day. We. Need. Grace.

At least I know I do.

I’m about to talk about something I have never really talked about before on my blog, or really with anyone but my closest friends.

Don’t worry I didn’t commit a crime or anything.

It is something that has required me to have extra grace and love for myself, and that is-my appearance.

One thing about having PCOS that has bothered me besides just being tired all the time is the fact that I break out like never before. To the point where it is hard for me to want to leave my apartment without a full face of makeup on. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. And it sucks, because God created me in His image, and I know that He doesn’t like it when I look in the mirror in the morning and cringe. I have had to learn so much in this season that I’m no less beautiful just because I’m having these problems.

But insecurities are a real thing, and I am in the midst of them. And I’m fighting. Fighting against every negative thought that creeps in my mind about my appearance. But honestly today I am proud of myself because I am sitting in Starbucks writing this post with no makeup on. Learning to be comfortable in my skin is my new mission.

Like I said friends, it’s a climb. Somedays I feel like I am on the top of a mountain, feeling great, so excited about what God is doing, and then there are days where I look in the mirror or I wake up in a lot of pain, and I feel like I’m in the deepest valley, and God is nowhere to be found.

Right now I am mid-climb, reaching for the top of that next mountain. Being cheered on by the friends that God has blessed me with, and being energized by all the coffee, and lots of scripture.

And I am thankful for it all. Because every struggle and victory is part of my story that is written by God, and I know He wastes nothing.

Taylor Kate