What a week. Honestly, I think this might have been one of the most challenging weeks-ever.

It was one of those weeks where hope felt completely lost, and God felt 10,000 miles away.

On Tuesday night, I was sitting in the parking lot of my church- getting prepared to go into Ignite, and as I was sitting there- I was fighting a headache that had lasted for three days, blurry vision, and just all around feeling like crap. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was going to be fine and that just seeing my friends would make me feel better. Well, 10 more minutes passed and I started calling and texting friends. At that moment I knew that I was going to have to go to the hospital. A friend picked up and came out to find me. I was in the emergency room a few minutes later, filled with panic. My neurologist wanted to rule out a stroke. It was terrifying. I sat in the cold hospital room with a friend who drove me and waited. I was waiting for the doctor to come to get me to take me to get a CT of my brain, but I think what I was really hoping for was for God to walk through the door and heal the pain.

Sadly, God didn’t come. But the doctor did.

My CT came back clear, and I felt relieved knowing it wasn’t anything super concerning, but at that point, it was like 1 am and I was just ready to go home whether I was fine or not.

I slept that whole night and rested on Wednesday.

But then. Thursday came. Crazy how that works right?

Thursday was the day that I hit rock bottom. And I hit it hard. I knew it was bound to come, I just didn’t know when. After I got done with my chiropractor appointment that day, I got in my car and started sobbing. Like crazy. And it went on for a solid 45 minutes. Tears of frustration, exhaustion, and fear streamed down my face. My chest felt heavy, and I was convinced God was 10,000 miles away, watching me have my emotional breakdown. I didn’t feel Him at all- as I was shouting at Him for allowing me to be in a season like this.

Hope felt lost. 

That night I went and met with the group of people that I meet with on Thursday’s and there was a worship song that they played that made me shook me to my core.

In my longing in my waiting

Will Your presence be enough

When I’m fearful when I’m doubting

Will I have the strength to trust

I cried my way through singing these words above, as I thought to myself how bad I have been about trusting God in this season. I haven’t let God’s presence be enough. I have let the enemy get a grip on me and in doing that my faith has s u f f e r e d- big time.

I haven’t placed my confidence completely in the Lord and even though everyone I know has told me that I have been so strong in this season. It sure hasn’t felt like it.

This morning I met up with someone who I look up to so much as a friend, mentor, and Christian. We had a conversation that was much needed- but also that challenged me. She shared with me the ways that she has seen God bring her out of her darkest seasons, and I was amazed by hearing how He’s worked in her life. It was encouraging. But then- the challenging part came as she encouraged me to still tell myself that God is good.

Even in this season that I am walking through. God is still good.

But I can’t see it yet. I’m knee-deep in my struggle with no solution yet, so it is still difficult to tell myself that God is good- but I’ll be here reminding myself every day of that.

I wrote it on my mirror so I have no choice but to see it every. single. day.

I’m still in a little bit spiritual warfare. And it flat out sucks-battling against the schemes of the devil in this season, but by reading that promise on my mirror, and continuing to challenge myself to worship and find God-I know I will make it out of this with a stronger faith.

It is just taking some time- and lots and lots of tears.

The conversation that I had today gave me a new sense of hope and reminded me that I have a rock-solid support system of people who are on my side, and a rock-solid God who is on my side too- even when I can’t feel Him.