They had me stare at a black box that was in the middle of this blank screen for 14 minutes and click a button every time I saw the fine lines.
I would see a few lines. And then it would go blank. And I would sit there, praying I would see another line. These lines were blinking so fast, and let me tell you, 14 minutes felt like an eternity. My eyes were tired, and I was frustrated knowing that I wasn’t seeing everything I was supposed to be seeing. I knew the awkward pauses were not normal, and that made it hard. The test ended, and it was one of those tests where you find out the results right away.

So I waited.

I sat in the office alone, waiting for this doctor to come in with the results. I texted some friends asking for prayers at that moment. I sat there and prayed for good answers. Prayed that God was going to show up. Prayed that maybe just maybe I would leave feeling relieved.
My prayers were not answered. At least not yet. The doctor looked at me square in the eyes and said that he thinks there is a lot of pressure pushing on my brain, whacking up my vision field. So in two weeks, I have to go back. And do it again.

The theme of the season continues.

God continues to teach me patience as I WRESTLE with wanting answers right now. For whatever reason He wants me to continue to wait, so I am trying to do so faithfully, even when it’s hard.

But these fast blinking fine lines reminded me a lot about my faith, and how I have been walking with God. I have been quick to leave and hide. I have been quick to become unseen. Because who wants to be seen in the middle of a dark season? Not me

But the thing about God is that He is that black box in the middle of the screen that did not move at all. He stays. He stays when I am scared. He stays when I am running. He stays when I am screaming at the top of my lungs because I am angry that I have to sit through yet another test. Or a doctor’s appointment.

He stays. And it amazes me that He loves me enough to not leave.

That even when I have hit my breaking point. He is still there, and He still wants to welcome me in.

If you ask me what has gotten me through this season, I would tell you that it is the prayers of my friends. They have prayed for me when I haven’t been able to utter words. They have prayed for me when I was questioning whether or not I wanted to believe in God, they have been an anchor, and have continued to encourage me, and point me back to God every single day. They speak truth over me and it keeps me going.

There is something that is keeping me from completely throwing my hands up in the air, and it’s community, and their prayers, and God’s strength that is being provided to me every time I walk through the doors of a doctor’s office, even when I don’t think it’s there. There is a reason I am making is through this.

I want to do more than just survive. I want to live. And live well. I want to believe with my whole heart that God is going to deliver me from this battle and that He will answer my prayers, and heal me completely.

But if full healing isn’t in His plans for me. I will continue to live my life honoring Him through the suffering I am enduring.

Taylor Kate