The Journey To A Great Surrender

For the past year or so I have been struggling with pain that has not been able to be cured-by anything. I have been fighting discouragement of all types after visiting with doctors who just shot me down. I heard them utter the word impossible way too many times, and I started to believe that there might be no way for me to heal from my endometriosis pain. 

I was heartbroken, and I started to get comfortable with the idea that I was just going to have to be taking a painkiller for the rest of my life.

Because nothing. else. was. working. 

God wasn’t showing up in the ways I thought I needed Him to in those moments, and I gave up believing that He wanted anything more for my life. I was convinced that chronic pain was just something that would linger for the rest of my days. 

My faith in God grew weaker as the days and weeks progressed, and it was getting harder and harder for me to believe that God was even good, or that He cared about what I was walking through. 

My fight grew weak, and I didn’t have enough strength to stop it. 

I began to hold on to a phrase that my friend Rachel has spoken over me since the very beginning of this season which is, “you are stronger than you know.”

She would remind me of that every time I felt like I had no bit of strength left in my body.

Thankfully, I was constantly surrounded by uplifting friends and mentors who would continue to pour into me even when I did not really want to hear it. They believed for me when I couldn’t. And they would tell me over and over that God was still good, even if it was the very last thing I wanted to hear. 

They kept planting those faith-filled beliefs in my mind and heart. 

Looking back, their faith and prayers are what gave me the strength to keep pushing during those hardest, darkest moments of this season. 

I still wrestled in my own quiet time with God. I had 105 questions every time I tried to pray, and I was just tired of praying what seemed like empty prayers. 

Just recently my pain was getting to the point where it was unbearable and I landed in the emergency room. It was that night when I began to question a lot of things. Why wasn’t this getting better? The only option the hospital was giving me was an option that no 22 year old or really any woman for that matter wants to hear. 

A hysterectomy. 

I swallowed the hard pill from that news and once again just felt like I was out of options. 

I was defeated and felt like God was nowhere to be found. But it was that news that made me so mad that I knew I had to find something different to try. 

The next day, I texted Rachel to see if I could go over to her house and grab some bone broth-because it’s the best and after a lot of hours in the er that’s all I wanted. I told her what the doctors had told me, and naturally, she was not thrilled-because it was heavy news and went against every desire in my heart.

I honestly think having to tell a friend that I was having to think about that was one of the hardest things ever. Because talking about it out loud just made it feel so real, and reminded me that it might be a reality for me. 

She prayed over me a lot that afternoon and told me that there was a natural doctor who is located in St. Pete that she had reached out to who has healed women from their endometriosis. I didn’t know what to think at first because I have been told for so long that it isn’t possible to heal what I have, so how could this guy be any different? 

But at this point, I was pretty much ready to try anything. 

& I was starting to slowly trust God with the idea that He could be bigger than my diagnosis. 

She managed to get me an appointment the same day that I needed to be in Tampa for an MRI and leading up to this new appointment I just felt so much peace. 

It was so weird.

Peace? 

Before a doctor’s appointment? 

Unheard of…until now. 

Monday came and Rachel and I got on the road bright and early to head to St. Pete. But this car ride was so much different than any of our other trips in the past because I was not riddled with fear. 

I wasn’t afraid to go into this office like I had been terrified about my past appointments. I took that as a huge sign from God that He had this covered and that I had nothing to worry about, plus I was walking into this appointment with someone who believes so much in my healing, and that is such a blessing in itself. 

To have people in my corner, believing so strongly that God CAN and WILL heal me.  

When we arrived at the office, I remember being a little nervous but still so excited to see what he was going to tell me. We sat down in his office and he started asking me questions about my experiences with my endometriosis and my pain levels. I laid it all out, and he didn’t even seem worried about it, which was so comforting. He started to explain to me the ways my body was reacting to certain things, and what supplements he could start me on to improve the problem. 

This is the first doctor I have ever had who has spent so much time being thorough and making sure I understood what he was explaining. I was holding back tears the whole time because I just knew in those moments that I was going to be okay and that this diagnosis wasn’t going to be the end of me.

He seemed so full of hope, which resulted in me being filled with SO MUCH HOPE. 

Hope I have never felt before.

He was confident in my body’s ability to heal, and I know it might be a challenge to have to change parts of my life, and remember to take all these supplements every day, but I am so ready to stand up to that and see what the Lord has in store for me going forward. It’s day two on these new supplements and I already feel so much better.

Day 2, people. Come on. That’s a God thing.

It is so refreshing to feel this renewed sense of peace in the middle of my circumstances and for the first time in forever I can finally believe that God is good, and He really is going to do something here. I remember getting in the car after this appointment and looking at my friend and saying that I was so excited to come back next week, which I have NEVER EVER said before. It was so crazy, and that day was just filled with so many happy tears because GOD IS MOVING. 

That moment in the car was the very moment that I knew God was going to do something bigger. He is going to heal my body, and I am going to be able to come out on the other side and tell the story of how I struggled for so so long, but God came through. Like He always does. In His timing. Not mine.

Healing is really on the horizon now, and I can feel it.

Taylor Kate

Healing isn’t linear. But I already knew that.

I am never going to forget the trauma that has impacted my life. But I already knew that.

In order to heal fully, I have to allow myself to feel my emotions. But I already knew that.

A lot of things have come to the surface of my mind in the past few days and it has caused me to wrestle.

A lot.

I am wrestling with stuff that has happened in my past, that are affecting my present struggles.

It’s crazy that at 21 I am just now learning how to heal from things that happened to me when I was 2.

I really don’t like the season that I am walking through. I never really have. And if it were up to me I would have allowed it to be done but now. But that isn’t my call to make. I’m no magician, and my control, no matter how much I want it- isn’t very high.

Scripture tells us that as Christians we aren’t promised an easy walk. We are going to be challenged, and sometimes (a lot of times) there are going to be moments of doubt. Because we can’t see the future- and that drives us crazy, well at least it drives me crazy.

I want an easy walk. But once again, I don’t call the shots. I’m walking the narrow path towards full life in Christ that is lined with trials that are testing my faith.

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” -Matthew 7:14

This verse is one that I was reminded of a few days ago by my mentor, and I had never really given it much thought until now.

Small, and narrow paths are HARD.

There is not much wiggle room, and there’s a lot of discomfort.

& I am constantly met with the reality that no part of my story right now is fun, or easy.

But this hard path leads to life-because it leads to Jesus. And walking the hard path gives us no choice but to lean into Him, and trust that He is going to provide strength, and grace, and literally everything else we need during the trying seasons.

I don’t know why my story is unfolding the way it is, packed with doctors appointment, loss, and lots of emotions- but I can’t change my story or my past, and I have no choice but to honor God through my trauma.

And it’s not easy to do that.

Because trauma makes people want to hide their face & run.

But God calls us to step out & share our story no matter how messy it is.

He has pulled me through some c r a z y things since I was a little kid, and I know there has to be purpose in that.

My traumatic brain injury at 2 makes me wonder where God was in Publix that day, and why He didn’t use His power to protect me when I was in that cart. Because He could of. And that’s the hardest part for me. He could have protected me but instead, I fell.

Maybe just so I could look back now and see exactly what He’s pulled me through.

I don’t remember what those moments were like-but my body still remembers. Subconsciously I know it remembers. And I’m not going to lie, whenever I see a kid in a shopping cart not strapped in, I always want to say something.

I have known what it is like to have to fight ever since that very day at 2 years old when I was laying in an operating room, I imagine surrounded by a ton of doctors, probably a lot of loud machines, and the pleading prayers of my parents and their friends coming from the waiting room.

God in His goodness answered the prayers that were uttered during those uncertain days in the hospital: And I’m still here.

He wasn’t done with me yet, and it is just crazy to think that I survived an injury like that.

Some days I forget that this is part of my story, and when I remember it knocks the wind out of me.

It took physical therapy, occupational therapy, and 6 months of seizure medication-but I’m standing here today able to walk, talk, and write. All because God chose to give me life.

He is so good.

For as long as I can remember, I was told that God chose me to be a fighter. He handpicked me to fight. And sometimes I wonder why He chose me, because it isn’t always easy, and I don’t always want it.

& sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t experience a brain injury.

Would I still find myself living in fight or flight mode?

Would I still be filled with anxiety every time I have a doctors appointment?

Would I have had this much strength to be able to get through the past year of my life that has been filled with health problems?

I won’t ever know the answer to these questions. Because I will never know a life before my brain injury.

There is not one thing I can do to change my story, and even though it can be tricky to find joy in this season, I have been learning what it means to keep trusting despite the circumstances, and start working through the things that God has revealed in my life, trauma and all.

It’s messy, and emotional. But this is what it looks like to fight the good fight.

God isn’t finished with me yet.

Taylor Kate

What is your biggest dream?

Honestly, that can be such a hard question to answer.

And lately it is something that I have been asked a lot by different people in my life. I don’t know if it is because I am graduating college in a few months or if people really just want to know about those parts of my life.

Whatever the case may be it is pretty fun to think about.

I was posed with this question that other day, and I remember having to really dig deep into my mind to try and figure out the answer.

A few things came to mind:

I want to write a book.

I want to get married.

I want to live in the mountains at some point in my life.

I want to have a baby, or two, or four.

Among many other things…

Now I’m not saying this is the order I want said dreams to happen in, but these are just the ones that are at the top of my head as I’m living through my 20’s.

God knows the order and that is good enough for me.

I have had moments of pure excitement when thinking about some of the dreams I have for my future. There is a lot to look forward to in these next few years, and I can’t wait to see what God does with my little life.

I love sitting around with my friends and talking about everything that we are dreaming about. There is nothing better than being supported unconditionally in the things that I want to achieve one day.

God could be looking at this list and laughing, because maybe He has other plans. But I also like to think that God places these dreams in my heart so that I have something to chase after.

I have already started chasing after that first dream. I have my first book title created, and I even got it designed courtesy of my creative friend, Maura. But I haven’t started writing it. Because guess what gets in the way of chasing big dreams that seem scary?

A little thing called: fear.

Fear has come up in many different ways when it has come to me achieving this.

Am I the one to write this story?

Will God use it in someway?

Am I a good enough writer?

How does one even START this process?

So many things circulate through my head when I start thinking about doing stuff like this.

I know my dreams don’t scare God, so I don’t know why I am giving them the power to scare me. But I’m only human.

I know these things won’t go exactly as I plan, because when has that ever happened anyways?

I think during this time that I have spent in my little apartment, I have started using a lot more of my time productively. I have started taking the time to dream bigger, and figure out ways for me to achieve my dreams. I have talked to lots of people, read lots of books, and written lots of words.

Right now, a lot of what I want in my future, is still very much going to happen in my future. But I am still excited to wait with hopeful expectation to see what God is going to do.

-Taylor Kate

It has certainly been a while since I have shown up in this space.

Whoops.

Life has been a little crazy lately, and school has basically just taken over. I fill my days at home with homework, and most of the time forget that life exists outside of Canvas.

I don’t enjoy doing homework all day, but I have come to find out that it is a good distraction to the other things that I have been feeling.

A little over a week ago, I started taking a new medication to treat my endometriosis and well..

I
AM
NOT
A
FAN
!!!

I am always a little skeptical when I start something new, because I have seen how my body has reacted to things in the past. So I worry.

But my doctor also told me this medicine wouldn’t have many side effects. So I trusted her as I was making decisions about starting.

Well, even though this endometriosis medicine hasn’t had many physical side effects (thank God), it has completely bulldozed over my emotions.

Like I have watched them just come crashing down.

It has been really hard to handle.

Being quarantined is enough to bring on the emotions because I really want to hug my friends and I can’t.

But I decided to start since it’s been a little over a month since my surgery happened, and I couldn’t keep putting off treatment out of fear.

I’m 9 days in and it feels like an eternity already but I am trusting that in 4-6 weeks the side effects will dissipate and I will start to feel like myself again.

In a season like this one where so much has already changed in a short amount of time, I have learned a lot more about the importance of leaning on people, and Jesus.

Part of my issue with being on the Orilissa is that it makes my sense of belonging very skewed. I’m in my head all the time, and that is not a fun place to be.

That has been a constant reminder of my need for Jesus. Because when my thoughts are deafening there is not much else I can do but lay it down at His feet.

Now..do I do that as much as I need to and should? Absolutely not.

I need to grow in that category like. Always.

It’s hard for me to open up when I am feeling off, and there is no doubt that I struggle when it comes to praying and talking to God. I don’t like to bother people and I don’t like to bother God either.

It’s just part of who I am and it kind of aggravates me lol. I want to be able to turn to God and turn to my friends without feeling like I shouldn’t be.

God is still growing me in that. And I am thankful for the love and support I receive from my mentor, and my friends.

This is long, and all over the place, but thanks for reading friends. Sending all the virtual hugs!

-Taylor Kate

these words came to me a few nights ago when i was sitting on the couch creating a new playlist on my phone. i needed something to listen to that night because my mind was overflowing with anxious thoughts.

so i started pulling worship songs that were soft and could fill my ears with truth as i drifted off to sleep.

when i finished adding the songs i titled the playlist: find rest.

and then i started thinking about what those words mean to me in my everyday life. am i really finding rest right now? have i been seeking God in my everyday life still? i’m not entirely sure.

i have been very apathetic lately. and i’m not proud of that. it’s not how i want to feel but right now it’s happening.

but it’s the result of life looking a lot different right now because of this virus that is going around.

school is online. work is closed. and i haven’t been able to see my grandmother or friends in forever.

and i miss those things.

a whole lot.

and it has just caused me to pull back.

but i’m learning that is important to continue to look towards God, and find rest in Him.

even in the middle of times like this. even when i don’t really want to. even when i am fighting apathy.

i have been all too guilty lately of giving into fears and anxieties. because when we are surrounded by news and people talking about what is going on and the impact it will leave on the world, what else would i be doing?

oh yeah. that’s right.

praying.

trusting God.

taking those fears and anxieties to Him.

knowing that no matter what happens, my future is secured in His hands.

that’s what i should be doing.

seek Him wholeheartedly, and find rest in Him alone.

He can still be found.

-Taylor Kate

Give yourself a little grace.

For ALL the moments.

This very moment.

The moment tomorrow when you are working on accounting homework.

The moment on Saturday when you find yourself struggling with something you swore you wouldn’t struggle with again.

The moment on Sunday when you can’t find Jesus in the midst of a sermon.

Satan wants us to feel shame. He wants us to feel the burden of the things we are struggling with.

But here’s the good news:

Grace is always available to us, even when it is hard to allow ourselves to accept it.

God wants us to give ourselves & the other people in our lives grace.

Even when we may not want to.

God has had to teach me a lot about grace, because it is something I haven’t given myself much of recently.

It’s been a vicious cycle of feeling like I haven’t been doing a good enough job at life recently.

But who am I to dictate if I’m doing “good enough?”

& what exactly is “good enough?” I feel like that is something that I am always striving to reach. But I never can quite get there. There is always something else that can be done.

But…

God isn’t keeping tabs on how much I am able to accomplish everyday.

And He doesn’t want me to carry around any shame about the things I am struggling with.

He doesn’t want you to either.

-Taylor Kate

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a close friend as I was trying to make the decision about whether or not I was going to have surgery. I poured out every option that I had, and everything I was feeling.

Every hope. Every fear. Every thought.

I remember her telling me “just take the leap of faith, and trust that Jesus is going to be with you.”

I sighed a secret sigh of relief when she said those words because in that that moment I was reminded that even in the middle of a lot of fear, Jesus was there.

I had another conversation about the same decision that I had to make and I was told “because you have Jesus, you really can’t make the wrong choice here.”

The theme here in my conversations is Jesus. He was fully present in all the conversations that I had that week.

I thought, and I prayed, and I wrestled, and I cried many tears until I came to a decision.

I made the decision to have the surgery.

Even in the midst of all the fear. Even in the midst of all the unknowns.

I chose to trust that healing was right around the corner for me.

I experienced moments of wanting to run, and wanting to cancel the surgery because I was a little afraid. But where would the trust be if I gave into my fears?

4 days ago, I had that surgery. My doctor went in looking to remove a cyst that they had been watching and guess what? It was gone. Crazy. Not what I was expecting. Instead, my doctor came to find that I have endometriosis, on top of the PCOS. Also, not what I was expecting. I didn’t even know it was possible to fight both, but here we are.

And to think that I almost backed out of this surgery 5,654 times because of my fear.

I would have never known that endometriosis was contributing to my pain, if I didn’t take that leap of faith.

I am 4 days in to my 4-6 week recovery, and I have had moments of pain, moments of relief, and lots of time to just rest. Everything that I could do 4 days ago is now just a little harder because of where my stitches are.

God has taught me a lot in the past few days.

He has reminded me how okay it is for me to ask for help.

He has reminded me that rest is a good thing, and not to fight it.

He has reminded me that I am surrounded by an amazing community.

He has reminded me that this is just a season, and that there is hope here.

I am starting to see the light at the end of what was a really hard season, and I am trying to hold onto that.

I was with my mentor a few days ago, and she told me something that really resonated with me. She told me that we get so comfortable in the hard things. In the doctors appointments. In the news that we hear from them. We take comfort in that because it is all we have come to know in certain seasons like this.

But we aren’t called to live in that forever.

Hope is present.

Joy will be found again.

Healing will show up after hard seasons.

-Taylor Kate

231 days.

5,544 hours.

That’s how long it has been since my body started to fail me a little bit.

That’s how long that I have been feeling this nagging pain for.

I have been met with these long hours, and I have had to face them head on.

Whether I have wanted to or not.

If I’m being real honest half the time I don’t want to face the days. I want to stay home until something feels better. But right now that doesn’t look like it is in the books.

I am continuing to be stuck right smack dab in the middle of this season of pain.

(insert sarcastic tone) Seems fair.

Whether I like this season or not (which I really don’t) I have had to face it with courage and faith.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Believing that even now, there is still something that God is trying to show me here.

It has been a constant battle of relentless praying that seems more like begging.

Begging for relief- in any capacity.

Thankfully my nagging prayers don’t bother God. They aren’t any less effective just because they are coming out of a place of utter frustration.

Even though sometimes I feel like He is just. not. hearing. me.

It’s SO easy to want to give up on God when things don’t seem to be going my way. Why am I not healed? He has the power.

Why? Why? Why?

It seems easier to just hide under the covers and wait for my body to heal.

But that is not what God is calling me to do.

He is calling me out to fight this battle and glorify His name in the middle of it.

He is calling me to have hope.

He is calling me to not fear.

He is calling me to rest knowing that He is holding this.

He is calling me to trust Him.

Every day, every doctor appointment, every time I breathe in and feel pain, He is calling me to trust Him.

Where God is, good is being worked.

Whether it’s today. Or tomorrow. Or in 231 more days.

He is going to bring something out of this rather painful season.

And if He is calling me to wait, I am going to be here waiting.

Faithfully and with hope.

Even if I stumble along the way.

-Taylor Kate

Hey friends, I’m back. It’s been a few weeks since I have shown up in this space because honestly it’s been hard to articulate exactly what I want to say here.

It’s crazy how sometimes even when I feel like I have so much to say, I can’t find the right words.

But here I am.

Trying to articulate

&

process

&

encourage.

So stick with me.

The past few days have been heavy on my heart. I am the type of person who feels emotions deeply, and I feel for my friends who are walking through hard times, deeply too, (enneagram 6 anyone?)

And in the course of the last few days, loss has been experienced, and hard stuff has ensued.

No one is ever promised an easy walk on this side of eternity and I have been reminded of that now more than ever.

I have struggled with loss from an early age, and honestly now that I think about it, I feel like God allowed me to go through it at 13 so that I would be able to sit here at 21 and be able to encourage, and love my people who are walking through it now, well.

I didn’t ask for loss.

No one ever does.

But God is using it.

As I was hugging my mentor that night, and then listening to a friend update me on some struggles she’s walking through a few minutes after that- I thanked God for giving me the ability to understand these types of hardships, and losses.

Could I have lived without the loss I experienced? Yes. But am I thankful to be able to understand exactly what my friends are walking through? Definitely.

Because supporting and loving my friends where they are at, is something that is important to me.

This is really the whole idea of community.

Being fully present.

I have walked through hard stuff, and have not had to walk through any of it alone because my friends have always shown up before I have even had to ask.

So, I count it a blessing to be able to walk with my friends as trials and tribulations come up, and to be able to lift them up, point them to Jesus, and love them through it.

Daily.

Hope has been something that I have been clinging onto lately.

Like white-knuckling.

Not letting go.

That type of clinging.

Because hope is what is needed here in seasons like this. As Christian people, we believe and know that these hard seasons are not going to last forever. That’s a promise.

But it’s a challenge nonetheless.

We have hope that God is going to show up, and provide in ways that He knows we need.

I have full on wrestled with hope. So if you are wrestling with hope too, know you are not alone in it.

I am wrestling with you, and hoping for you. And I am ready to give all the hugs if that is needed too.

Continue to lean into hope. And always know that there are people in your corner.

-Taylor Kate

Life keeps changing still. I feel sort of out of control of it all. (But was I ever supposed to be in control of it?) Probably not.

I had to change my major again, and I think this is like the third time that has happened. I’ve gotten to the point where I am not as bummed that it had to change, but I am more discouraged because I’m just not seeing a plan.

I’m tired of things changing. It’s so dang exhausting. I want some sort of consistency but that’s just not what is happening.

It’s discouraging not knowing what path to take. It’s discouraging when I can’t see what it is my purpose is. It sends me spiraling into the trap of not thinking I have much of a purpose here.

But even still, I get up, because as long as I have breathe in my lungs, God wants to do something.

And most days it’s a battle. But I still find a little fight in me everyday.

I read something that a friend messaged me this morning and it said “You wouldn’t still be here if there wasn’t more to your story.” And all I can say is wow. I read that and then read it again, because I felt like that was God speaking into my life, and reminding me that He’s not done yet.

I might be done. But God is not finished yet. And that’s all that really matters. If He isn’t finished with me, I can’t be finished with me.

I have spent a lot of time questioning in this season, but we know this. Purpose? Questioned. Worth? Questioned. What kind of coffee I want in the morning? Questioned. (But that answer always ends up being iced, point blank.)

All I can say is thank God that He carries me even when I doubt it, because without His hand holding me I’d be a sinking ship.

I have fought wars in my mind, as I have walked through more of life changing-and it’s time to stop being afraid of the breakthrough.

It’s time to believe God wants to do more.

Because these wars aren’t mine to fight on my own anymore. There is something so beautiful about surrendering the things that have weighed down the heart. It’s freeing. It’s life-changing.

And most importantly it gives God room to do the things that only God can do.

So surrender.

With all uncertainty-surrender, and know, that God in all His power won’t let that act of obedience go unseen.

-Taylor Kate