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The first thing I think of when I think of the word “waiting” is the day that I was hopping on a plane to visit a friend. I live in Florida which means it rains 99.98% of the summer, and that means that there’s a chance that flights are going to get delayed if you try to take off in the evening- like I was trying to do.

After my flight got delayed, I had made it to my layover in Denver, but I was late. Part of me was hoping that miraculously the second flight had been pushed back a little bit. But when I arrived at the gate the kind lady looked me in the eyes and said “I’m sorry dear, your flight took off 30 minutes ago. You’ll have to fly out in the morning.” Heart. Sink. Guess who had to sleep in the airport that night? Me.

I had to wait 11 hours in a freezing, empty, airport for my flight the next morning at 8 am.

And that night, life taught me a lot about waiting.

I learned that it’s hard. I learned that it’s cold. I learned that it’s lonely. I learned that sometimes it takes longer than I want it to.

And here I am, walking through a season that is reminding me of my sleepover at the Denver airport.

This season has been one of the longest seasons that I have had to endure. I have gone through plenty of days that are lonely, and hard, and long; in and out of doctor’s offices, placing every ounce of my hope in those doctors. And guess what? I have been let down, over and over and over, because they haven’t given me many answers yet- except for telling me that I have to get more tests run before they can know for sure.

Which has left me to be able to do two things:

W a i t

&

H o p e

And to be completely honest- I’m tired of waiting. 

It’s hard to hold onto hope when hope feels lost. It’s hard to cling to God when God feels far. 

My thoughts have waged war. Fear has stolen my peace. The enemy has hidden the light of God from me.

But somehow I’m hanging on. I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other- and fight.

I fight against the lies that the enemy has filled my head with. I fight against the lies that try to convince me that I’m hard to love in this season. I fight against the lies that tell me that this season will never end.

Being in the middle of so many unknowns doesn’t lead me to want to think that God is still good. Or that He is still for me. Often times, I’m convinced that He has completely forgotten about me.

But I have had to stand here, and remind myself 15495345 million times a day that God does not forget about His children.

Even now. Even today. Even when it is so dang hard. Even when I am sitting through yet another appointment. Questioning everything.

He holds it all together- even when I feel like I am falling apart piece by piece.

He’s the rock at the bottom, catching those broken pieces, and knitting them back together. So I can continue to:

fight

&

hope

&

trust

&

wait- for victory from the battle.

-Taylor Kate

 

Taylor Kate

 

 

I’ve reached the point in this season of my life where I am completely ready (at least I think I am) to surrender control aka the wheel- to Jesus. I’ve found myself white knuckling the steering wheel of my life trying to convince myself that I can do this on my own for way too long.

Let’s all laugh together- because it’s not possible.

And if you know me, you know that I am absolutely terrible at asking for help. But God continues to show me that I can ask for help…

and that it is o k a y.

The things I am learning to walk through are scary, and the unknowns are still enough to fill my head with every fear in the world. The enemy is sitting at my throat, taking the breathe out of my lungs.

But guess what? Jesus is there too, and I can picture Jesus and the enemy hashing it out up there for my heart, and my breath. Jesus will ultimately win the battle, it’s just taking me a while to be able to hear Him amidst the noise of the enemy.

Through it all, Jesus gives me community, and friends who walk beside me and intercede on my behalf in prayer.

And it’s so so important to have that. Praise the Lord for His people.

A lady that I babysit for told me that it is when we are in our darkest moments that we have an opportunity to draw nearest to God. He will speak, He will show himself worthy of praise. Choosing joy, choosing life is HARD. Anxiety and fear, once they come around enough, nearly become old friends, and it’s easier to give into those feelings (even when they’re not nice).

Mic drop.

It’s all so true. But in this darkness I haven’t been able to see Jesus well. It’s time to pull out the flashlight aka the Bible, which has been on my bedroom floor for at least a week. I hate to admit it, but it has been SO dang hard to open up that book.

Even though I know that’s where peace lives.

I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father…and wait for Him to provide answers.

Taylor Kate

 

 

Today I was reminded that everything that happens in our lives, good, and bad is all a part of God’s plan. Granted, I already knew that, but this time around it was honestly hard to hear. I took a deep breathe and shrunk into my seat after I was reminded of this fact, because right now the things that are coming up in my life are scary. And well, I’m questioning God’s plan & goodness.

God knows EXACTLY what I am going to find out on Thursday, and He isn’t afraid. He is ready to give me strength for whatever is thrown my way. And He is ready to grow me through it. This is a season where I am watching my faith be challenged, and waiting in hopeful expectation that in the end-my faith will grow, and I will grow. Even if right now I’m completely terrified, because let’s be real. I am.

There is no hiding from the scary. Trust me. I’ve tried on a hundred different days, and a million different ways to hide from the scary things. It’s just not possible.

Even if right now I’m running millions of miles away from God, I’m still not far enough for Him to not want to be with me. I’m working on inviting God into where I am, because in the end He will meet me here, teach me here, and love me here. In the end, He will walk me into whatever I have been avoiding, because there is no growth in avoiding the hard, and if I truly trust God with my life, what’s the point of avoiding things?

But here we are, and I’m going to be real honest with you people. I’m avoiding. I know deep down that God’s got this. But I’m only human, and I have real fears that are creeping up, and ya know what? God still loves me, even when I am not pursuing Him completely. And He will continue to love me, every. step. of. the. way.

And if you are my friend, or know me outside the walls of this blog. Thank you for praying with me, walking with me, and supporting me through this whole season. I love you. 

Taylor Kate

 

 

 

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.”   –Psalm 107:1 

This verse is one you might recognize. Specifically, around the holidays (approaching our beloved day of turkey) or maybe, like me, you hear the tune of a popular song from years back…with familiar faces from your home church singing along to the tune or maybe you’ve never seen these words at all.  

This verse (let’s be honest, the whole psalm in general) has spoken to me a lot recently. But it started long before today. So, come along for a ride and let’s throw it back to get a little glimpse of how Jesus showed me how He moves in everyday life even when we might not see it.   

Alas, it was a stormy night in November…kidding. Had to be dramatic on someone else’s blog while I have the chance. Anywho… it was just before Thanksgiving 2018. I accidentally memorized the verse above while having dinner with one of my favorite families from my local church. As each of the kids repeated these words, I was reminded of just how many things that God has given us to be thankful for. It was sweet to witness then, but it’s even sweeter to reflect and see how this moment has continued past that night. 

The following week, while enjoying Friendsgiving during my Monday night community group, I felt compelled to read it aloud while we were sitting and sharing what we were thankful for.  

Still, even after reflecting that second time, the story would continue.  

Spring semester of 2019 came and went. And if we’re being honest here, I am so glad it’s gone. Now, I can sit back and laugh with the clarity of today. But in those moments, I was so confused and had no idea where I was in life or what I was supposed to learn. The number of lessons I learned in a short few months astounds me, and I wouldn’t take those back. Extremely long story short I found out that: regular sleep is indeed a beautiful thing, accounting classes are extremely hard, it’s okay to fail one of those said classes, friendships are hard and change often but are worth it, you shouldn’t take the people around you for granted, patience is a virtue, and God doesn’t ever wander…but I sure do. 

June of 2019, while sitting in church with some of my friends from my “old” college small group Psalm 107 made another appearance. As the pastor asked us to turn to the specific scripture, I flipped open the hardcover Bible from the pew in front of me and landed perfectly on a specific page…the exact psalm on the exact page…on the first try. As the wise Taylor Johnson (aka the best small group leader/friend in history) famously says, “Is it odd or is it God?”. Regardless of potential coincidence, it got my attention. The pastor continued, explaining each section of the psalm and detailed the four examples of different types of people that the passage portrayed.  

We noticed the choices that they made, the places and circumstances they found themselves in, how God responded to them, and ultimately what He is capable of and what He has promised. He spoke about how each of us has been and will be those same types of people. In our different walks of life, journeys, and experiences, we too can resonate with it all. That whole sermon led to my reflection of how thankful I was for the family that helped me stumble upon these words in November, how grateful I am for each person in my life, and made me realize just how much I related to those words on those thin pages before me.  

And now…for the grand finale…stay with me here, we have found ourselves on Wednesday, July 17, 2019. With the story having come relatively full circle.  

After a phone conversation with R.M.G., (who was 1,344 miles away but still manages to seem right by my side) I was reminded of this psalm that he had just read through. I thought back to all those moments I described and felt something tugging me to go back and visit. So that’s where I found myself this morning. As I read through line by line, I couldn’t help but tear up as I felt my Jesus speaking straight to my heart. 

 You see, I wasn’t just reading the words in verses 23-32. I had just lived them in that very semester that I enjoyed so much (sarcasm of course). Instead, I was finally receiving the clarity of what this past “season” was and can now say that I know a little more of why I walked through it.  

I had seen the wonderful things God had done in my life and others. I knew He was good; I knew what was true about Him. Yet in those moments when life got crazy, when I was exhausted, when I was scared, confused, unsure, and doubtful, I chose to try to go it alone. Instead of running to the One who could help me and trusting the things that He has taught me all these years, I chose to run the other way. God doesn’t ever wander…but I sure do.  

Just like the scripture says, the wind and waves rose, and I reeled and staggered instead of standing firm in what I knew and believed. I was at my wit’s end, hopeless and overwhelmed by the circumstances that I placed myself in. Then I cried out. He answered. He delivered me from my distress. He made the storm still and hushed those waves that I was sinking deep into. Then I was so glad, just like the psalmist. Glad that He has finally brought me to this desired haven, and I can breathe again.  

Let me be the first to tell you, the Lord is faithful in doing what He has promised, and I am constantly forgetting it. I forgot it then and am fully reminded of it now. Here, from my desired haven God has led me to, I will give thanks. I will ponder His love that is gentle, kind, personal, unending, patient with me, and steadfast through all ages. It will never wander, but I will. Even then, He still loves despite and because of this I will praise Him for who He is and what He has given to me.  

“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.” –Psalm 107:2-3 

Here I am. My life fully redeemed by Jesus because of the life He lived and the death He died…for me and you. Saved over and over again because of His grace and because of His love. So here I am saying so, thanking Him for this beautiful life, the wonderful people in it, and all the lessons learned. Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So. 

Maura Lindsay 

College student. Lover of Sweatshirts. Quoter of Vines.   

Ya know, I live in Florida, the flattest state in all of the land. So I don’t know what it’s like to have to walk uphill for a long period of time. The only time I walk uphill is when Maura and I walk the bridge by our house. That is just about the only “hill” I ever have to climb as long as I am living in Florida.

Even though I haven’t been doing much literal climbing, life is an uphill battle a lot of the time. Cue The Climb by Miley Cyrus

I am still facing days where I am tired, and feel like I am just dragging myself through my days. God gives me extra grace for those days but when it comes to me allowing myself to receive that grace, I struggle.

I don’t know if it’s because I don’t think I deserve the grace, or I feel like I should just be able to somehow get through all of this without God’s grace and strength, but whatever my reasons are, they aren’t right. I’m just a person, so desperate for God.

Our worst days are never so bad that we are beyond the reach of God’s grace, and our good days are never so good that we are beyond the need for God’s grace.

With that being said: Every. Day. We. Need. Grace.

At least I know I do.

I’m about to talk about something I have never really talked about before on my blog, or really with anyone but my closest friends.

Don’t worry I didn’t commit a crime or anything.

It is something that has required me to have extra grace and love for myself, and that is-my appearance.

One thing about having PCOS that has bothered me besides just being tired all the time is the fact that I break out like never before. To the point where it is hard for me to want to leave my apartment without a full face of makeup on. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. And it sucks, because God created me in His image, and I know that He doesn’t like it when I look in the mirror in the morning and cringe. I have had to learn so much in this season that I’m no less beautiful just because I’m having these problems.

But insecurities are a real thing, and I am in the midst of them. And I’m fighting. Fighting against every negative thought that creeps in my mind about my appearance. But honestly today I am proud of myself because I am sitting in Starbucks writing this post with no makeup on. Learning to be comfortable in my skin is my new mission.

Like I said friends, it’s a climb. Somedays I feel like I am on the top of a mountain, feeling great, so excited about what God is doing, and then there are days where I look in the mirror or I wake up in a lot of pain, and I feel like I’m in the deepest valley, and God is nowhere to be found.

Right now I am mid-climb, reaching for the top of that next mountain. Being cheered on by the friends that God has blessed me with, and being energized by all the coffee, and lots of scripture.

And I am thankful for it all. Because every struggle and victory is part of my story that is written by God, and I know He wastes nothing.

Taylor Kate

The kids that I babysit LOVE playing hide and seek. But they are 1 & 3 so I always hide in places that are pretty easy to be seen. And then when they see me, I peek out a little more and they come running to me with arms out, ready for a big hug. So I put my arms out, and let them sink into my embrace.

Wouldn’t it be sweet if I let myself sink into the embrace of my Heavenly Father, who is sitting there with His arms open to me? In the season that I have been in I have been hiding from God. It’s an intense game of hide and seek but I’m in a corner, not budging, filled with fear, and feeling so. far. away. from God.

And I know deep down that He wants me. He wants the scared me, the frustrated me, and the confused me. The me that is mad at Him for making me wait in this season of pain.

I don’t feel God moving. I’m tired and I feel like I am just surviving day to day. Every time recently that I have gone to God in prayer it has been out of a place of complete and utter frustration. I haven’t had the strength to open my bible, and I basically just listen to worship music 24/7 to keep my head out of a place of fear. But no matter how many songs I listen to I am still a little afraid.

I am afraid of the u n k n o w n s.

I’m learning that it’s ok. It’s okay to be scared. It’s normal. God knows where my heart is.

There is a sense of control that I am white-knuckling right now. But everyday that I get out of bed, I take a deep breath and TRY to surrender it to the Lord. The key word here is try, sometimes I fail. And it’s okay because I know that He still has the solution in His hands.

August 1st I have an appointment set to see a specialist who will be able to enlighten me and give me a tangible solution.

It is in my calendar and there is h o p e in that.

But there is also f e a r.

I will figure out how to fix the issues I am experiencing but I will also be finding out if this “potential tumor” that has set up camp in my pituitary is dangerous. The word potential is scary, because it means that there is a chance.

But all I can do it focus on today, and what I can do to fix it today. The answer is nothing. All I can do it wait, trust, and hope in the Lord. He has blessed my life with sweet friends who are walking beside me in this and waiting (more) patiently than I am. Reassuring me that I’m not alone, and that in the end it will all be okay.

Because God will use this for His glory, even if right now at 4:50 pm on a Monday I can’t see why or how.

He will.

Taylor Kate

I would love to be able to hop on here and say that the waiting period I wrote about last week is over. But instead, I am hoping on here to say that I am still in the process of waiting, and it is not the easiest thing in the world to do. But I am here, and by the grace of God, I am doing it. Learning every single day how to have peace in the waiting.

Some days it’s easy. Some days I feel good and I forget that anything is wrong. And then some days are hard and I feel the pain clear. as. day. Yesterday was one of the harder days and I remember laying on the couch questioning God as I was curled up in a ball. When will the answers come? The most ironic thing about all of this is that 2 years ago today I was told that I needed surgery for my sinuses. As I look back on that day I can see how much has changed since then. I did a lot of that alone, I did not have solid friends, and my relationship with God was rocky. Things are very different in my life today but that does not mean that it wasn’t a painful surgery and that those memories don’t add to the fears of what is to come with these PCOS issues.

For whatever reason, these things are all part of my story- a story that God Himself wrote. Who am I to question Him?

I have real fears that I am trying to work through, but at the same time push under the rug. The thing is, God wants me to bring them out. He continues to put me in situations where I am free to talk about everything that is going on, honestly. God does not want me to push my struggles under a rug. I know this solely because I have tried.

I put walls up when it comes to making friends and sharing my story with others. It’s a means of self-protection. I have been hurt by friends and family in the past and it’s scary to think that it could happen again, at any point in time. But God is good still, and He has shown me that I don’t always have to have a wall up. With the right friends, there’s no need for those cement walls that I build around my heart.

Just when I thought that my little circle of friends was complete, God stepped in and placed another beautiful human being in my life. I worked with her in the childcare at my church once, and she was super sweet, but I definitely thought that was going to be the only time I saw her. I never go into childcare thinking that I am going to make new friends out of it.

But God had other plans this time, and I’m honestly so happy that He did. He has allowed our friendship to grow, and I am so thankful for that. I am always convinced that God knows exactly the friends that I need, and He is really good at providing those friends for me in His perfect timing. He definitely knew what He was doing when He placed me in that childcare room for like 6 hours, and it is so rewarding to see the fruit from that day.

Like I said two years ago I was walking through a scarier season alone, and in this season God has shown me time and time again, that I am not alone. He has added a friend in my life who is so sweet, so encouraging, so full of love, so willing to walk with me, and gives really great hugs.

She is a light in the season that I have found myself in, and I will continue to praise God for this community and for the little ways He is still showing up in the midst of my waiting.

Taylor Kate

A cold office. My racing heartbeat. A mind filled with unknowns. And So. Much. Waiting. 

There’s something that is hard about waiting. Especially when you’re waiting for results that could ultimately change certain parts of your life. I have always been a more patient person, I’d say. I mean, I do babysit, which requires ALL the patience. But somehow I find myself having a very large lack of patience in this season. I am for sure getting tired, and with my exhaustion comes a wave of impatience. I want to know what’s going on, and I don’t want to walk out of one more office without answers. Well, guess what I did today? I left my doctor’s office being told that I would have to wait and come back for the results of the most recent test. Not what I wanted. But we can’t always get what we want when we want it. 

God is teaching me how to wait, and I am still learning the art of this concept.

My days have been filled with feeble prayers, that most of the time don’t make a lot of sense. But God knows all right? That leads me to believe that He can understand the broken state of my prayers. I’m working hard through prayer to give God all my pain. God can handle our honesty with where we are at, He can handle our anger, fears, and doubts. And I’m feeling all of the above, and then some. He wants us to bring it all to Him, and I’m always learning how to LEAN in to the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.

But on the other hand, I’m only human, and I do have real fears that I am facing. Big fears of the unknown. I only see what is in front of me right now, and right now it’s doctors- who are met with uncertainty about what the next best step is. I trust that God will guide my doctors, and give them wisdom on how to treat things I’ve been diagnosed with.

I wish this was easy. I really do. But I know in the end God will somehow be glorified through it all. I have learned through the years that God uses our suffering for His glory, and for His good. None of this pain will be wasted, but that does not mean that right now doesn’t completely suck.

One thing I have seen is that God has been so good in providing me with a community of friends and mentors who have walked through this with me every step of the way. They have been willing to pray for me and with me, they have been there if I needed a hug, or a word of encouragement, or someone to sit with me in these appointments. They have all been lights in my life, and I can’t thank God enough for them. I may not have all the answers I want right now, but I for sure have some of the best people who have chosen to walk with me through it all.

So I will praise You on the mountain. And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way. You’re the summit where my feet are.
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows. No less faithful when the night leads me astray.
You’re the heaven where my heart is. In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Hillsong United

Taylor Kate