Category: Uncategorized

Give yourself a little grace.

For ALL the moments.

This very moment.

The moment tomorrow when you are working on accounting homework.

The moment on Saturday when you find yourself struggling with something you swore you wouldn’t struggle with again.

The moment on Sunday when you can’t find Jesus in the midst of a sermon.

Satan wants us to feel shame. He wants us to feel the burden of the things we are struggling with.

But here’s the good news:

Grace is always available to us, even when it is hard to allow ourselves to accept it.

God wants us to give ourselves & the other people in our lives grace.

Even when we may not want to.

God has had to teach me a lot about grace, because it is something I haven’t given myself much of recently.

It’s been a vicious cycle of feeling like I haven’t been doing a good enough job at life recently.

But who am I to dictate if I’m doing “good enough?”

& what exactly is “good enough?” I feel like that is something that I am always striving to reach. But I never can quite get there. There is always something else that can be done.

But…

God isn’t keeping tabs on how much I am able to accomplish everyday.

And He doesn’t want me to carry around any shame about the things I am struggling with.

He doesn’t want you to either.

-Taylor Kate

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a close friend as I was trying to make the decision about whether or not I was going to have surgery. I poured out every option that I had, and everything I was feeling.

Every hope. Every fear. Every thought.

I remember her telling me “just take the leap of faith, and trust that Jesus is going to be with you.”

I sighed a secret sigh of relief when she said those words because in that that moment I was reminded that even in the middle of a lot of fear, Jesus was there.

I had another conversation about the same decision that I had to make and I was told “because you have Jesus, you really can’t make the wrong choice here.”

The theme here in my conversations is Jesus. He was fully present in all the conversations that I had that week.

I thought, and I prayed, and I wrestled, and I cried many tears until I came to a decision.

I made the decision to have the surgery.

Even in the midst of all the fear. Even in the midst of all the unknowns.

I chose to trust that healing was right around the corner for me.

I experienced moments of wanting to run, and wanting to cancel the surgery because I was a little afraid. But where would the trust be if I gave into my fears?

4 days ago, I had that surgery. My doctor went in looking to remove a cyst that they had been watching and guess what? It was gone. Crazy. Not what I was expecting. Instead, my doctor came to find that I have endometriosis, on top of the PCOS. Also, not what I was expecting. I didn’t even know it was possible to fight both, but here we are.

And to think that I almost backed out of this surgery 5,654 times because of my fear.

I would have never known that endometriosis was contributing to my pain, if I didn’t take that leap of faith.

I am 4 days in to my 4-6 week recovery, and I have had moments of pain, moments of relief, and lots of time to just rest. Everything that I could do 4 days ago is now just a little harder because of where my stitches are.

God has taught me a lot in the past few days.

He has reminded me how okay it is for me to ask for help.

He has reminded me that rest is a good thing, and not to fight it.

He has reminded me that I am surrounded by an amazing community.

He has reminded me that this is just a season, and that there is hope here.

I am starting to see the light at the end of what was a really hard season, and I am trying to hold onto that.

I was with my mentor a few days ago, and she told me something that really resonated with me. She told me that we get so comfortable in the hard things. In the doctors appointments. In the news that we hear from them. We take comfort in that because it is all we have come to know in certain seasons like this.

But we aren’t called to live in that forever.

Hope is present.

Joy will be found again.

Healing will show up after hard seasons.

-Taylor Kate

231 days.

5,544 hours.

That’s how long it has been since my body started to fail me a little bit.

That’s how long that I have been feeling this nagging pain for.

I have been met with these long hours, and I have had to face them head on.

Whether I have wanted to or not.

If I’m being real honest half the time I don’t want to face the days. I want to stay home until something feels better. But right now that doesn’t look like it is in the books.

I am continuing to be stuck right smack dab in the middle of this season of pain.

(insert sarcastic tone) Seems fair.

Whether I like this season or not (which I really don’t) I have had to face it with courage and faith.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Believing that even now, there is still something that God is trying to show me here.

It has been a constant battle of relentless praying that seems more like begging.

Begging for relief- in any capacity.

Thankfully my nagging prayers don’t bother God. They aren’t any less effective just because they are coming out of a place of utter frustration.

Even though sometimes I feel like He is just. not. hearing. me.

It’s SO easy to want to give up on God when things don’t seem to be going my way. Why am I not healed? He has the power.

Why? Why? Why?

It seems easier to just hide under the covers and wait for my body to heal.

But that is not what God is calling me to do.

He is calling me out to fight this battle and glorify His name in the middle of it.

He is calling me to have hope.

He is calling me to not fear.

He is calling me to rest knowing that He is holding this.

He is calling me to trust Him.

Every day, every doctor appointment, every time I breathe in and feel pain, He is calling me to trust Him.

Where God is, good is being worked.

Whether it’s today. Or tomorrow. Or in 231 more days.

He is going to bring something out of this rather painful season.

And if He is calling me to wait, I am going to be here waiting.

Faithfully and with hope.

Even if I stumble along the way.

-Taylor Kate

Hey friends, I’m back. It’s been a few weeks since I have shown up in this space because honestly it’s been hard to articulate exactly what I want to say here.

It’s crazy how sometimes even when I feel like I have so much to say, I can’t find the right words.

But here I am.

Trying to articulate

&

process

&

encourage.

So stick with me.

The past few days have been heavy on my heart. I am the type of person who feels emotions deeply, and I feel for my friends who are walking through hard times, deeply too, (enneagram 6 anyone?)

And in the course of the last few days, loss has been experienced, and hard stuff has ensued.

No one is ever promised an easy walk on this side of eternity and I have been reminded of that now more than ever.

I have struggled with loss from an early age, and honestly now that I think about it, I feel like God allowed me to go through it at 13 so that I would be able to sit here at 21 and be able to encourage, and love my people who are walking through it now, well.

I didn’t ask for loss.

No one ever does.

But God is using it.

As I was hugging my mentor that night, and then listening to a friend update me on some struggles she’s walking through a few minutes after that- I thanked God for giving me the ability to understand these types of hardships, and losses.

Could I have lived without the loss I experienced? Yes. But am I thankful to be able to understand exactly what my friends are walking through? Definitely.

Because supporting and loving my friends where they are at, is something that is important to me.

This is really the whole idea of community.

Being fully present.

I have walked through hard stuff, and have not had to walk through any of it alone because my friends have always shown up before I have even had to ask.

So, I count it a blessing to be able to walk with my friends as trials and tribulations come up, and to be able to lift them up, point them to Jesus, and love them through it.

Daily.

Hope has been something that I have been clinging onto lately.

Like white-knuckling.

Not letting go.

That type of clinging.

Because hope is what is needed here in seasons like this. As Christian people, we believe and know that these hard seasons are not going to last forever. That’s a promise.

But it’s a challenge nonetheless.

We have hope that God is going to show up, and provide in ways that He knows we need.

I have full on wrestled with hope. So if you are wrestling with hope too, know you are not alone in it.

I am wrestling with you, and hoping for you. And I am ready to give all the hugs if that is needed too.

Continue to lean into hope. And always know that there are people in your corner.

-Taylor Kate

Life keeps changing still. I feel sort of out of control of it all. (But was I ever supposed to be in control of it?) Probably not.

I had to change my major again, and I think this is like the third time that has happened. I’ve gotten to the point where I am not as bummed that it had to change, but I am more discouraged because I’m just not seeing a plan.

I’m tired of things changing. It’s so dang exhausting. I want some sort of consistency but that’s just not what is happening.

It’s discouraging not knowing what path to take. It’s discouraging when I can’t see what it is my purpose is. It sends me spiraling into the trap of not thinking I have much of a purpose here.

But even still, I get up, because as long as I have breathe in my lungs, God wants to do something.

And most days it’s a battle. But I still find a little fight in me everyday.

I read something that a friend messaged me this morning and it said “You wouldn’t still be here if there wasn’t more to your story.” And all I can say is wow. I read that and then read it again, because I felt like that was God speaking into my life, and reminding me that He’s not done yet.

I might be done. But God is not finished yet. And that’s all that really matters. If He isn’t finished with me, I can’t be finished with me.

I have spent a lot of time questioning in this season, but we know this. Purpose? Questioned. Worth? Questioned. What kind of coffee I want in the morning? Questioned. (But that answer always ends up being iced, point blank.)

All I can say is thank God that He carries me even when I doubt it, because without His hand holding me I’d be a sinking ship.

I have fought wars in my mind, as I have walked through more of life changing-and it’s time to stop being afraid of the breakthrough.

It’s time to believe God wants to do more.

Because these wars aren’t mine to fight on my own anymore. There is something so beautiful about surrendering the things that have weighed down the heart. It’s freeing. It’s life-changing.

And most importantly it gives God room to do the things that only God can do.

So surrender.

With all uncertainty-surrender, and know, that God in all His power won’t let that act of obedience go unseen.

-Taylor Kate

Close to every conversation I have with Maura ends with a simple phrase.

Go forth & conquer.

I’m not sure how it all started, but it is something that I have held on to.

We could be talking about anything here. Doing homework. Making lunch. Brewing coffee. Doing laundry. Going to work. Reading the Bible.

Anything that can be conquered.

Lately though, when our conversations have ended like this I have given a soft smile, and said in reply “I feel like I’m being conquered.” The homework is a lot. I don’t have energy to make lunch. Laundry is a chore that gets put off. And I haven’t really touched my Bible in months.

None of this stuff makes me proud. I have had to straight up sit with my struggle knowing that right now I’m being conquered. And that’s just how it is.

There’s day like that. There’s seasons like that. But it’s not wasted. (I’m learning that) no season is ever wasted. And what an amazing promise that is.

Lately I have been reminded a lot about God’s promises. I’ve been reminded by friends, and people who have surrounded me at church.

Constantly. Like every day. Multiple times a day.

It’s a blessing to have people like that.

And today- let me tell you about today.

I found myself sitting deep in conviction. A conviction I haven’t felt in a while. A conviction that has led me to (maybe) believe that God is still interested in my heart and what I’m suffering through.

This conviction is coming at me full speed ahead because lately, well I haven’t believed that. I haven’t let myself be encouraged and comforted by the promises of God. I haven’t let myself believe that God still wants me, and my heart, and my mess.

I have let Satan win, again. I have been convinced that this is all a waste, and that there is no purpose for the pain I am walking through.

But God.

He thinks otherwise. And I’m going to be honest in this space I’ve created. It’s easy to type that out, but it’s something I’m in a constant wrestle about. I want to so badly be able to get up in the morning and declare that God is still good, and that He thinks I’m still worthy in this season that is making me feel unworthy. It’s believing those words that’s the issue.

I’ve been told throughout this whole season that I am stronger than I know, and owning up to my strength is a challenge, but the last thing I feel is strong.

But I think that strength can be found in the small moments:

The moments that are filled with a little bit of laugher. The moments that are filled with encouraging words from friends. The moments where for a second hope is ignited. The moments that I’m crying out to God on my bedroom floor. The moments that remind me that there is still life for me to live.

There’s still life

still hope

even here.

So go forth & conquer.

-Taylor Kate

Things are constantly changing. Whether it be exciting or mundane- change is a constant theme in this life.

Some change is really exciting. The day you move into a new apartment. The day you watch your best friend get married.

There’s a positive anticipation when getting ready to experience any type of good change.

But what about the change that comes without warning? Or the change that suddenly shakes your world a little bit? No one is ever super thrilled about that, but sure enough it’ll show up at the front door with no warning.

I’ve experienced a lot of that type of change lately. Change that is supposed to be positive, but that came so sudden it kind of just knocked me off my feet a little.

I was left wondering what my life is going to look like from here on out. How long will it take me to get used to everything? Life isn’t always comfortable and that is something that God is teaching me right now. He is teaching me how to trust Him still in the midst of so much change, even though He can probably see that I am not a big fan of it right now.

Emotions are high and I am ever so thankful that God never asks me to compartmentalize my feelings-even though that is the response in me as a human. I am walking each day of this season feeling the things that demand to be felt, and trusting that God will continue to carry me through it all.

-Taylor Kate

I’m an extrovert. I love to talk. I love to be with friends. I love to be anywhere where there are people.

But when hard times strike, the extrovert in me shuts down. The girl who loves God, and loves people starts to hide. I hide out of fear of burdening others. Out of fear of not being good enough. Out of fear that God is gone.

Today I sat in church, and I literally mean I just sat. I could barely sing, and I had a hard time focusing on the message. I honestly don’t know what got me there this morning. My heart is cold, and I am a little lifeless. Yes, I’m still here, getting up every day, surviving to the best of my ability, but I am doing it all without God. I’ve lost the desire to read my bible, and pray, and talk about the things that God is doing in my life.

Because right now it’s a challenge.

In the middle of this season of waiting it has been so hard to shift my focus. It’s hard to practice gratitude on a daily basis. I know deep down, that there are always things for me to be grateful for. I have great friends, amazing mentors, & coffee is a thing.

But the devil has me trapped. Like in a box that tapped shut type of trapped.

And I’m screaming.

It’s suffocating.

It’s lonely.

Because God doesn’t seem present in the isolation.

Community seems hard.

It is so real, and I am fighting the war that is waging. A war that Satan wants to win.

And right now, if I am being honest. That’s where I am.

I’ve avoided community because it seems safer not to be seen in the struggle. But I’m learning that community is meant to help in times of struggle. I fight it so hard because I am stubborn person, and don’t want to bother people, but God has given me the community He has to remind me of truth, and promises- when my mind starts to forget. And even when I don’t want to ask for help, my people show up for me anyway.

Let me tell you, today I was reminded of that community. Two close friends talked to me after church today and asked me how I was doing. I tried to dodge the question but of course, that didn’t happen, so I was honest about where I was at-and they challenged me. I had to bring up the fact that I have been neglecting my faith, and trying to walk through this season without reading my bible, and without being in community. It was a hard conversation for me to have, but I’m so thankful to have friends who love me enough to remind me that I need to be active in the Word, active in community, and who point me back to God, even when I am running a million miles in the wrong direction. They are lights that God shines through to show Himself to me, and I am blessed by that.

Brick by brick the walls of isolation will crumble.

-Taylor Kate

“How do you speak to yourself on a daily basis?”

I was asked this question a few days ago, and I was convicted, because lately I haven’t been that nice to myself. I’m guilty of it. I haven’t spoken life over my body, or mind. I have been stuck in a trap thinking that my body is to sick to be healed, and that I am hard to love because of the things I’m walking through.

And I have started to believe those things.

But it’s time to break those lies down.

Word by word.

Letter by letter.

Recognizing them as lies from the enemy that are only meant to destroy.

Trading them for truth.

Truth that brings life.

“How does God see you in this season?”

A question that I asked myself.

He sees me as whole, and perfect. What I think is broken, God thinks is beautiful, and how could I sit here and think of something that He created as not good enough?

There is beauty in brokenness. God will use it. God can use it.

I think that worth is something that everyone struggles with at one point or another. And I’m not going to lie, as I am walking this walk, I have struggled on and off with my worth. Some days more than others. I question it when I am sick, and feel like I’m not able to accomplish much. I question it on mornings that I have headaches, and evenings when I am too dizzy to stand.

God can’t be good right now, and He can’t be using these things. How could He bring something good out of this. Right?

Wrong!

My friends still tell me that He is good. Even when I am not feeling good. Even when I don’t get the right answers. Even when I don’t feel like myself.

He is good. And that’s hard to me to type out. And hard for me to believe for myself right now.

But it’s spoken over me daily- by the people He has blessed me with.

There’s something about being stuck in the middle for so long that just makes me feel restless. Like I want to move. But God has me here, and He is forcing me to sit in it. He’s forcing me to surrender control, and trust in Him in the middle of this wilderness, where I don’t really see a way out, but know deep down that there is one-somewhere.

Right now, He’s teaching me to believe truth, and to not believe the lies that creep into my mind.

So here I am-making a brave decision to get up everyday even when I know all I’m going to be doing is waiting.

Speaking truth in the waiting.

There will be life here. In the middle of it all.

Taylor Kate

They had me stare at a black box that was in the middle of this blank screen for 14 minutes and click a button every time I saw the fine lines.
I would see a few lines. And then it would go blank. And I would sit there, praying I would see another line. These lines were blinking so fast, and let me tell you, 14 minutes felt like an eternity. My eyes were tired, and I was frustrated knowing that I wasn’t seeing everything I was supposed to be seeing. I knew the awkward pauses were not normal, and that made it hard. The test ended, and it was one of those tests where you find out the results right away.

So I waited.

I sat in the office alone, waiting for this doctor to come in with the results. I texted some friends asking for prayers at that moment. I sat there and prayed for good answers. Prayed that God was going to show up. Prayed that maybe just maybe I would leave feeling relieved.
My prayers were not answered. At least not yet. The doctor looked at me square in the eyes and said that he thinks there is a lot of pressure pushing on my brain, whacking up my vision field. So in two weeks, I have to go back. And do it again.

The theme of the season continues.

God continues to teach me patience as I WRESTLE with wanting answers right now. For whatever reason He wants me to continue to wait, so I am trying to do so faithfully, even when it’s hard.

But these fast blinking fine lines reminded me a lot about my faith, and how I have been walking with God. I have been quick to leave and hide. I have been quick to become unseen. Because who wants to be seen in the middle of a dark season? Not me

But the thing about God is that He is that black box in the middle of the screen that did not move at all. He stays. He stays when I am scared. He stays when I am running. He stays when I am screaming at the top of my lungs because I am angry that I have to sit through yet another test. Or a doctor’s appointment.

He stays. And it amazes me that He loves me enough to not leave.

That even when I have hit my breaking point. He is still there, and He still wants to welcome me in.

If you ask me what has gotten me through this season, I would tell you that it is the prayers of my friends. They have prayed for me when I haven’t been able to utter words. They have prayed for me when I was questioning whether or not I wanted to believe in God, they have been an anchor, and have continued to encourage me, and point me back to God every single day. They speak truth over me and it keeps me going.

There is something that is keeping me from completely throwing my hands up in the air, and it’s community, and their prayers, and God’s strength that is being provided to me every time I walk through the doors of a doctor’s office, even when I don’t think it’s there. There is a reason I am making is through this.

I want to do more than just survive. I want to live. And live well. I want to believe with my whole heart that God is going to deliver me from this battle and that He will answer my prayers, and heal me completely.

But if full healing isn’t in His plans for me. I will continue to live my life honoring Him through the suffering I am enduring.

Taylor Kate