A cold office. My racing heartbeat. A mind filled with unknowns. And So. Much. Waiting. 

There’s something that is hard about waiting. Especially when you’re waiting for results that could ultimately change certain parts of your life. I have always been a more patient person, I’d say. I mean, I do babysit, which requires ALL the patience. But somehow I find myself having a very large lack of patience in this season. I am for sure getting tired, and with my exhaustion comes a wave of impatience. I want to know what’s going on, and I don’t want to walk out of one more office without answers. Well, guess what I did today? I left my doctor’s office being told that I would have to wait and come back for the results of the most recent test. Not what I wanted. But we can’t always get what we want when we want it. 

God is teaching me how to wait, and I am still learning the art of this concept.

My days have been filled with feeble prayers, that most of the time don’t make a lot of sense. But God knows all right? That leads me to believe that He can understand the broken state of my prayers. I’m working hard through prayer to give God all my pain. God can handle our honesty with where we are at, He can handle our anger, fears, and doubts. And I’m feeling all of the above, and then some. He wants us to bring it all to Him, and I’m always learning how to LEAN in to the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.

But on the other hand, I’m only human, and I do have real fears that I am facing. Big fears of the unknown. I only see what is in front of me right now, and right now it’s doctors- who are met with uncertainty about what the next best step is. I trust that God will guide my doctors, and give them wisdom on how to treat things I’ve been diagnosed with.

I wish this was easy. I really do. But I know in the end God will somehow be glorified through it all. I have learned through the years that God uses our suffering for His glory, and for His good. None of this pain will be wasted, but that does not mean that right now doesn’t completely suck.

One thing I have seen is that God has been so good in providing me with a community of friends and mentors who have walked through this with me every step of the way. They have been willing to pray for me and with me, they have been there if I needed a hug, or a word of encouragement, or someone to sit with me in these appointments. They have all been lights in my life, and I can’t thank God enough for them. I may not have all the answers I want right now, but I for sure have some of the best people who have chosen to walk with me through it all.

So I will praise You on the mountain. And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way. You’re the summit where my feet are.
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows. No less faithful when the night leads me astray.
You’re the heaven where my heart is. In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Hillsong United

Taylor Kate