Author: taylor kate

The kids that I babysit LOVE playing hide and seek. But they are 1 & 3 so I always hide in places that are pretty easy to be seen. And then when they see me, I peek out a little more and they come running to me with arms out, ready for a big hug. So I put my arms out, and let them sink into my embrace.

Wouldn’t it be sweet if I let myself sink into the embrace of my Heavenly Father, who is sitting there with His arms open to me? In the season that I have been in I have been hiding from God. It’s an intense game of hide and seek but I’m in a corner, not budging, filled with fear, and feeling so. far. away. from God.

And I know deep down that He wants me. He wants the scared me, the frustrated me, and the confused me. The me that is mad at Him for making me wait in this season of pain.

I don’t feel God moving. I’m tired and I feel like I am just surviving day to day. Every time recently that I have gone to God in prayer it has been out of a place of complete and utter frustration. I haven’t had the strength to open my bible, and I basically just listen to worship music 24/7 to keep my head out of a place of fear. But no matter how many songs I listen to I am still a little afraid.

I am afraid of the u n k n o w n s.

I’m learning that it’s ok. It’s okay to be scared. It’s normal. God knows where my heart is.

There is a sense of control that I am white-knuckling right now. But everyday that I get out of bed, I take a deep breath and TRY to surrender it to the Lord. The key word here is try, sometimes I fail. And it’s okay because I know that He still has the solution in His hands.

August 1st I have an appointment set to see a specialist who will be able to enlighten me and give me a tangible solution.

It is in my calendar and there is h o p e in that.

But there is also f e a r.

I will figure out how to fix the issues I am experiencing but I will also be finding out if this “potential tumor” that has set up camp in my pituitary is dangerous. The word potential is scary, because it means that there is a chance.

But all I can do it focus on today, and what I can do to fix it today. The answer is nothing. All I can do it wait, trust, and hope in the Lord. He has blessed my life with sweet friends who are walking beside me in this and waiting (more) patiently than I am. Reassuring me that I’m not alone, and that in the end it will all be okay.

Because God will use this for His glory, even if right now at 4:50 pm on a Monday I can’t see why or how.

He will.

Taylor Kate

I would love to be able to hop on here and say that the waiting period I wrote about last week is over. But instead, I am hoping on here to say that I am still in the process of waiting, and it is not the easiest thing in the world to do. But I am here, and by the grace of God, I am doing it. Learning every single day how to have peace in the waiting.

Some days it’s easy. Some days I feel good and I forget that anything is wrong. And then some days are hard and I feel the pain clear. as. day. Yesterday was one of the harder days and I remember laying on the couch questioning God as I was curled up in a ball. When will the answers come? The most ironic thing about all of this is that 2 years ago today I was told that I needed surgery for my sinuses. As I look back on that day I can see how much has changed since then. I did a lot of that alone, I did not have solid friends, and my relationship with God was rocky. Things are very different in my life today but that does not mean that it wasn’t a painful surgery and that those memories don’t add to the fears of what is to come with these PCOS issues.

For whatever reason, these things are all part of my story- a story that God Himself wrote. Who am I to question Him?

I have real fears that I am trying to work through, but at the same time push under the rug. The thing is, God wants me to bring them out. He continues to put me in situations where I am free to talk about everything that is going on, honestly. God does not want me to push my struggles under a rug. I know this solely because I have tried.

I put walls up when it comes to making friends and sharing my story with others. It’s a means of self-protection. I have been hurt by friends and family in the past and it’s scary to think that it could happen again, at any point in time. But God is good still, and He has shown me that I don’t always have to have a wall up. With the right friends, there’s no need for those cement walls that I build around my heart.

Just when I thought that my little circle of friends was complete, God stepped in and placed another beautiful human being in my life. I worked with her in the childcare at my church once, and she was super sweet, but I definitely thought that was going to be the only time I saw her. I never go into childcare thinking that I am going to make new friends out of it.

But God had other plans this time, and I’m honestly so happy that He did. He has allowed our friendship to grow, and I am so thankful for that. I am always convinced that God knows exactly the friends that I need, and He is really good at providing those friends for me in His perfect timing. He definitely knew what He was doing when He placed me in that childcare room for like 6 hours, and it is so rewarding to see the fruit from that day.

Like I said two years ago I was walking through a scarier season alone, and in this season God has shown me time and time again, that I am not alone. He has added a friend in my life who is so sweet, so encouraging, so full of love, so willing to walk with me, and gives really great hugs.

She is a light in the season that I have found myself in, and I will continue to praise God for this community and for the little ways He is still showing up in the midst of my waiting.

Taylor Kate

A cold office. My racing heartbeat. A mind filled with unknowns. And So. Much. Waiting. 

There’s something that is hard about waiting. Especially when you’re waiting for results that could ultimately change certain parts of your life. I have always been a more patient person, I’d say. I mean, I do babysit, which requires ALL the patience. But somehow I find myself having a very large lack of patience in this season. I am for sure getting tired, and with my exhaustion comes a wave of impatience. I want to know what’s going on, and I don’t want to walk out of one more office without answers. Well, guess what I did today? I left my doctor’s office being told that I would have to wait and come back for the results of the most recent test. Not what I wanted. But we can’t always get what we want when we want it. 

God is teaching me how to wait, and I am still learning the art of this concept.

My days have been filled with feeble prayers, that most of the time don’t make a lot of sense. But God knows all right? That leads me to believe that He can understand the broken state of my prayers. I’m working hard through prayer to give God all my pain. God can handle our honesty with where we are at, He can handle our anger, fears, and doubts. And I’m feeling all of the above, and then some. He wants us to bring it all to Him, and I’m always learning how to LEAN in to the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.

But on the other hand, I’m only human, and I do have real fears that I am facing. Big fears of the unknown. I only see what is in front of me right now, and right now it’s doctors- who are met with uncertainty about what the next best step is. I trust that God will guide my doctors, and give them wisdom on how to treat things I’ve been diagnosed with.

I wish this was easy. I really do. But I know in the end God will somehow be glorified through it all. I have learned through the years that God uses our suffering for His glory, and for His good. None of this pain will be wasted, but that does not mean that right now doesn’t completely suck.

One thing I have seen is that God has been so good in providing me with a community of friends and mentors who have walked through this with me every step of the way. They have been willing to pray for me and with me, they have been there if I needed a hug, or a word of encouragement, or someone to sit with me in these appointments. They have all been lights in my life, and I can’t thank God enough for them. I may not have all the answers I want right now, but I for sure have some of the best people who have chosen to walk with me through it all.

So I will praise You on the mountain. And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way. You’re the summit where my feet are.
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows. No less faithful when the night leads me astray.
You’re the heaven where my heart is. In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Hillsong United

Taylor Kate

You know that little spinning wheel that shows up on your computer when you are making a purchase online? Or trying to get a really slow website to load?

That little spinning wheel means that whatever it is that you are doing is processing (or maybe that your computer is about to crash)

Right now my mind feels like that stupid little wheel. It’s processing a ton of new information, and pretty soon it might crash. I got a phone call yesterday from my doctor and he confirmed my PCOS diagnosis, and followed that with letting me know that I have to get an MRI to check out my pituitary gland.

Ouch. Really, dude? That’s actually the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted the diagnosis to be followed with “and this is how we can fix it.” Not “and now you need an MRI before we can know for sure how to fix it.” Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that they are checking everything out, but dang it’s frustrating.

If God is teaching me one thing right now it’s patience. I have to get through the next 4 days with this appointment looming over me. 4 days of waiting. 4 days of wondering. 4 days of trust, surrender, and prayer.

I know that God has me in His hands, and that none of this is a surprise to Him, but it is all a surprise to me.

I’m trusting that this MRI is going to help my doctors figure out what the next step is, but I am so confused why God keeps throwing me into the flames.

It’s one of those seasons where I feel like every time I catch my breath, I get thrown back under- and right now I am desperate for air.

I heard a quote recently and it states that no season is ever wasted. This season is absolutely crazy, but according to this quote, and probably to God too, this season will not be wasted.

This season of ongoing trials is going to teach me so much about who I am, and who God is. He is a faithful God, and He is a good God that will get me through this, one way or another.

“All suffering is within the pale of divine sovereignty. All suffering comes within the broader context of the sovereignty of God. ” -R.C Sproul

Taylor Kate

Hi, it’s me again. Two blog posts in one week..who am I? Not to mention the random blurb of words I posted on my Instagram a few days ago. God has just placed a lot on my heart this week, and I am just here to share it all. So have patience with me as I share more of my heart.

If you read the post I wrote on Tuesday, great. Thanks so much for reading. If you didn’t it’s okay, you didn’t miss much. Tuesday’s post was written out of a place of exhaustion and hurt. But today I’m back and still pretty exhausted but my heart is in a slightly different place.

My struggles haven’t completely up and left, but God did reveal Himself to me so much yesterday, through hard conversations, with good friends.

As I stated in Tuesday’s post, I struggle with feeling loved and wanted sometimes. Broken family relationships led me to feel like sometimes I’m unworthy of being loved, by not only my family but by God too. If I am not feeling loved by family, why would God want to love me? No matter who else rejected me, God. Never. Has. and not to spoil the ending but He. Never. Will.

That’s such a great truth to hold on to.

But yesterday God reminded me that I am indeed worthy of being loved. And I know this because God calls me beloved. And even though it’s hard for me- I have to agree with God than I am worth loving. Why would God create something that wasn’t worth love? That’s crazy. He would never do that.

In the Bible God calls us to love. He calls us to “love your neighbor as yourself.” This command is found so many times in the Bible, and it is an important one. In order to love your neighbor, or broken family, or friends, or roommates, you have to love yourself and love God!

God loved us first, and you can’t give love if you don’t have love.

I have slowly learned that the people who don’t love me in the ways I want to be loved, aren’t receiving God’s love for themselves. It’s hard to accept that, especially with my family, but in this season I believe that God is calling me to love my family where they are at, and accept that right now things are challenging with them, and I might not get the love my heart so deeply desires from them.

That is why God made community. God blessed me with a community of people where I live that love me well, and for that I am so thankful.

I was always told when I was younger, to just give it to God, and let Him take care of the rest. Wow is that a hard command to follow. There are so many things happening right now that I like to think that I have control over. But deep down, I know it’s out of my control.

Last week I was in Colorado for a week with some of my mom’s family. My cousin graduated from the Air Force Academy, and the graduation was awesome. Plus, Colorado is a beautiful place. But there was a lot that happened in those 4 days that left me questioning God, and His ways. There was so much tension between my aunt and my mom, and family tension is not what I wanted from this trip. I went into this trip praying that I would be reassured that everything was going to be okay. The opposite happened, and I left that trip not really knowing if anything was okay. Like do I have family…or? Whenever these things happen my brain always drifts to the darker places and I start to question myself. Am I not good enough to be loved well by my family? Is there something I need to change in order to be accepted by them?

Those thoughts always hurt but deep down I know that there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened. But God can, and I am struggling with the fact that God sees all this happening but He isn’t changing it. He has the power to change this in an instant if He really wanted to. Instead, I think that He is teaching me to have grace, and love people where they are at, even if I don’t feel the love back. I am learning to rely completely on God to provide for me and fill the holes in my life where I feel as if I am lacking. And right now, I am lacking in the family category of life. I’m lacking feeling loved well. But I hold onto hope that it won’t always be like this.

God is confusing sometimes, but I am putting this all in His hands, and I am learning to leave. it. there.

Taylor Kate

So every ladies worst nightmare might have just become one of my realities. I have struggled with not having a regular cycle ever since they started coming when I was around 13 years old. I never thought much of it when I was younger. No period, no problem? Right? Wrong. No period=problems that I didn’t know could ever exist. 

I had a doctors appointment a few days ago, and as I was telling this doctor about my past he looked at me with a concerned look on his face. And I instantly got freaked. No one ever wants their doctor to look concerned when talking to them about their health, and about BABIES. He asked me what my plans were for having kids one day, and I said, “well I hope to have a baby before I’m 30.” 

Let’s all laugh together because I’m still single as a Pringle at 20. 

I’m going to spare this post of the details of my appointment but I found out that I might not be able to have kids one day. Lovely, right? Once again, wrong. 

The person who has the absolute biggest heart for children, might not be able to have kids. That’s not cool. I am wrestling with this truth and waiting to see what God has in store for me. I know that God has a plan for my child producing abilities, or lack thereof. Maybe I won’t be able to have my own kids one day, but I know that there are other ways for me to be a mom. An adoption? Or I can just be an auntie, forever. I could be okay with that. Or maybe just maybe, God will be the miracle-working God that I know He is, and squeeze in a baby-sized miracle for me. He is able. 

As long as He gives me an outlet to have a child, one way, or another, I’ll learn to be content. The key word is learn– I’m not content yet. 

But God if you are reading this- I want my own baby one day. Please? 

Why do I feel like I’m asking Santa for a Christmas present, haha. 

Finding humor in pain. 

Either way, learning how to be content with this news has been a roller coaster of emotions. Let me tell you…one moment I’m totally fine- drinking my coffee without a thought in my mind, and the next moment- I’m beside myself in a puddle of tears in my car wondering WHY the heck God chose me for this. But after all, He is God so I’m not sure I’m meant to understand everything He does. 

I think what hurts the most in the depths of these unknowns right now is seeing people with their babies- knowing deep down that it might not work out for me like that. Isn’t it crazy that the things I used to love to see are now the very things that cause a little bit of pain? As I’m typing this from my favorite coffee shop in Tampa, there have been a few moms with their babies walk in. I smile at them as my heart and head question whether or not that will be me one day. I’m still an avid babysitter and cuddle babies like a pro. It is one of my favorite things to do, and even more so now knowing that I might not be able to have my own. Soaking up every. single. moment. 

Maybe God gave me such a heart for babysitting for that very reason? I don’t really know. Sigh. 

I read a quote on the internet and it says “God can do way more with your surrender than you could ever do with your control” 

It looks like it’s time for me to s u r r e n d e r 

God knows my heart right now more than I ever could. He also knows how much I want to be able to control this situation and this news. But there’s literally no way that I could. No. Way. At. All. This is all up to God and He is going to come, and He is going to do whatever it is He wants to do. 

So I’ll be here waiting to see what my future holds. 

Taylor Kate 

“It was an accident,” I whispered to myself as I watched the half a cup of coffee seep into the keys of my laptop.

I was working at the coffee shop and decided I wanted a cup of coffee to hold me over for the last hour of work. I brewed it up and went to sit and drink it before starting my closing responsibilities. Getting ready to start cleaning up, I spun the chair towards the door so I could get up to leave the office. Well, it didn’t happen the way it usually does. What actually happened was I spun the chair, the cord to my laptop was stuck on the armrest of said chair, and then the cord got caught under the cup and knocked it right over. Domino effect. All over my laptop, my dress pants, and the floor. Just my luck. So instead of going and cleaning the store, I had just made more of a mess and I instantly was overwhelmed with emotion.

I bet based on the title of this post you can see where this story is going. My laptop would not turn on, and as I was drying out the crevices of my keyboard, panic filled my body and I thought to myself “I just messed up. I messed up big time.” Granted, this was a mistake, and I know that. But it was a mistake that was about to cost me the price of a new laptop.

After the whole disaster happened, I was trying to clean up the mess. Not only the mess in my office but the mess in my head and heart. Cleaning up my office was the easy part, a few paper towels and it was good to go. Cleaning up the mess inside my head and heart is where I struggled. How does one not feel discouraged after something like this happens? The good news is God doesn’t need me to clean up my mess by myself. He sits with me in my frustrations and He calls me into His presence no matter how many cups of coffee I spill.

One of my current favorite songs is Ready or Not by Hillsong United. I start my day with it everyday. My favorite part about this song is that it reminds me that God isn’t moved by perfection, and let me tell you now, I am so far from perfect. But I’m still loved and accepted by Him. Lately, I’m having to remind myself that God still wants me no matter what.

He’s still faithful to deliver
Mighty as ever to save
He’s still good on His promises
And His love still never fails
He’s not moved by perfection
Or how well we look the part
But He’s wild about the hidden stuff
Like He’s wild about the heart

I was mad at myself after everything happened, and my first reaction was just to cry. I was being critical of myself, and I was not putting myself up against God’s standards. After an 8 hour work day, I was tired and completely beside myself. It was in that moment that I realized deep down these tears were over more than just my coffee soaked laptop. These tears were one part coffee soaked laptop, and one part hurt and frustration from the week before.

I spent most of my time that night really reflecting on what had been happening in the past week. Good and bad. The days before were filled with moments that I loved, and moments that I definitely could have lived without. That week held a lot of arguments with family and days where I questioned God and where He had me. I know God wants to use me but sometimes I have no idea how or why.

In that same week, I was reunited with one of my favorite people who taught me in high school and is now a friend of mine. We got to catch up over coffee in a beautiful hangout spot. It’s thanks to her that I found a love for writing and confidence in my ability to do so. If you would have told me before my senior year of high school that I would be blogging and loving it, I would have laughed in your face. But I found a passion, and it is fun to be able to share that with other people.

It’s amazing how one person can make such an impact, and my life is filled with people who I admire. That one-hour coffee date was the highlight of the week, and it’s what I have been able to continue to look back on for a smile in the midst of the crazy.

God is constantly trying to reveal Himself to me. He really woke me up this time with the whole laptop tragedy. It worked. I’m awake now.

But not only did He reveal Himself through that whole mess, but He continues to reveal Himself through the people He has strategically placed in my life, who have been such an encouragement to me in this, and in everything else too.

And for that I’m grateful.

Taylor Kate

God is constantly calling us to trust Him more. In each season of life, God wants us to trust Him completely, even when we are tempted to turn the other way.

I will be the first to admit that trusting God is a concept that I am not always the best at. Ever since I lost my dad in 8th grade trust has been something that is hard for me. How can I trust a God who allowed me to see such pain at a young age? Following my dad’s death there have been a few other major losses that have happened in my life as well. My life has shown me a lot of reality in the past few years. The reality being that we don’t live forever, and tragedy will strike no matter how often we tell ourselves otherwise. I know that God promises to bring light out of the dark days of my life, and use those experiences to shape me into the woman He has called me to be.

In order to allow God to shape me, there are a lot of walls that I have been working on breaking down, and doing that requires trust.

What if I break down the walls of my heart and get hurt again by the same people? What if I break down these walls and God does not show up? Well the answer I have to myself is: Taylor you won’t ever know if you don’t step out in trust and give it a shot.

“God is near. God is here. And God can absolutely be trusted with it all” -Lysa Terkuerst

God has something good prepared for me on the other side of the walls I have built for myself, and once I am strong enough to shatter those walls, I know He will be there waiting for me with all He has promised.

As this semester is winding down and I am looking back there is one thing that has remained constant through this entire semester and that is trusting God. God has placed challenges in my path that have required me  to step into in a posture of complete trust before being able to continue.

Recently, I have found myself fighting fears and doing the things God has called me to do, even though some of those things have been the very last thing I want to do.

Trust and obedience have been going hand in hand in my life lately, and I can’t wait to see the fruit of what I have stepped into.

Taylor Kate

So here’s the thing. I like to run. I lace up my Nike’s and I take off when things are going south in my life. Whether that be with school, my relationship with friends & family, or even a minor inconvenience in my day-to-day activity. I like the rush of adrenaline I feel when I am outside, running away from all the things that are acting as stressors.

But the thing is… that adrenaline only lasts for about 30 minutes after I get home from my run. And then I am back to where I started.

Tired, and longing for something more.

I have been stuck feeling that “longing for something more” these past few weeks. The semester is wrapping up and I have not had a lot of time to just sit and rest in the presence of the Lord. No matter how many runs I go on, I know that the Lord is calling me to realize that I don’t need to be constantly running. He calls me to stillness a concept that I am pretty much terrible at. It is hard to be still when I feel like there’s a million and one things that I need to get accomplished by the time my head hits my pillow at night. But God gives us grace, and we should rest in the grace that is provided to us.

“Walk in the peace that when your to-do list shatters on the rocks of reality, God is not measuring you by how much you get done” -John Piper

The bible tells us to be still, it is an actual command that God gives us. But even still we fight it. Society doesn’t like to be still.  So I challenge you to be a little less like the world around you, and a little more like God. Learn to be still and enjoy the quiet moments with your Heavenly Father.

Taylor Kate