I was always told when I was younger, to just give it to God, and let Him take care of the rest. Wow is that a hard command to follow. There are so many things happening right now that I like to think that I have control over. But deep down, I know it’s out of my control.

Last week I was in Colorado for a week with some of my mom’s family. My cousin graduated from the Air Force Academy, and the graduation was awesome. Plus, Colorado is a beautiful place. But there was a lot that happened in those 4 days that left me questioning God, and His ways. There was so much tension between my aunt and my mom, and family tension is not what I wanted from this trip. I went into this trip praying that I would be reassured that everything was going to be okay. The opposite happened, and I left that trip not really knowing if anything was okay. Like do I have family…or? Whenever these things happen my brain always drifts to the darker places and I start to question myself. Am I not good enough to be loved well by my family? Is there something I need to change in order to be accepted by them?

Those thoughts always hurt but deep down I know that there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened. But God can, and I am struggling with the fact that God sees all this happening but He isn’t changing it. He has the power to change this in an instant if He really wanted to. Instead, I think that He is teaching me to have grace, and love people where they are at, even if I don’t feel the love back. I am learning to rely completely on God to provide for me and fill the holes in my life where I feel as if I am lacking. And right now, I am lacking in the family category of life. I’m lacking feeling loved well. But I hold onto hope that it won’t always be like this.

God is confusing sometimes, but I am putting this all in His hands, and I am learning to leave. it. there.

Taylor Kate