So every ladies worst nightmare might have just become one of my realities. I have struggled with not having a regular cycle ever since they started coming when I was around 13 years old. I never thought much of it when I was younger. No period, no problem? Right? Wrong. No period=problems that I didn’t know could ever exist. 

I had a doctors appointment a few days ago, and as I was telling this doctor about my past he looked at me with a concerned look on his face. And I instantly got freaked. No one ever wants their doctor to look concerned when talking to them about their health, and about BABIES. He asked me what my plans were for having kids one day, and I said, “well I hope to have a baby before I’m 30.” 

Let’s all laugh together because I’m still single as a Pringle at 20. 

I’m going to spare this post of the details of my appointment but I found out that I might not be able to have kids one day. Lovely, right? Once again, wrong. 

The person who has the absolute biggest heart for children, might not be able to have kids. That’s not cool. I am wrestling with this truth and waiting to see what God has in store for me. I know that God has a plan for my child producing abilities, or lack thereof. Maybe I won’t be able to have my own kids one day, but I know that there are other ways for me to be a mom. An adoption? Or I can just be an auntie, forever. I could be okay with that. Or maybe just maybe, God will be the miracle-working God that I know He is, and squeeze in a baby-sized miracle for me. He is able. 

As long as He gives me an outlet to have a child, one way, or another, I’ll learn to be content. The key word is learn– I’m not content yet. 

But God if you are reading this- I want my own baby one day. Please? 

Why do I feel like I’m asking Santa for a Christmas present, haha. 

Finding humor in pain. 

Either way, learning how to be content with this news has been a roller coaster of emotions. Let me tell you…one moment I’m totally fine- drinking my coffee without a thought in my mind, and the next moment- I’m beside myself in a puddle of tears in my car wondering WHY the heck God chose me for this. But after all, He is God so I’m not sure I’m meant to understand everything He does. 

I think what hurts the most in the depths of these unknowns right now is seeing people with their babies- knowing deep down that it might not work out for me like that. Isn’t it crazy that the things I used to love to see are now the very things that cause a little bit of pain? As I’m typing this from my favorite coffee shop in Tampa, there have been a few moms with their babies walk in. I smile at them as my heart and head question whether or not that will be me one day. I’m still an avid babysitter and cuddle babies like a pro. It is one of my favorite things to do, and even more so now knowing that I might not be able to have my own. Soaking up every. single. moment. 

Maybe God gave me such a heart for babysitting for that very reason? I don’t really know. Sigh. 

I read a quote on the internet and it says “God can do way more with your surrender than you could ever do with your control” 

It looks like it’s time for me to s u r r e n d e r 

God knows my heart right now more than I ever could. He also knows how much I want to be able to control this situation and this news. But there’s literally no way that I could. No. Way. At. All. This is all up to God and He is going to come, and He is going to do whatever it is He wants to do. 

So I’ll be here waiting to see what my future holds. 

Taylor Kate