Tag: Jesus

Do you want to know the phrase that’s been following me around the last few weeks?

I’m going to say it anyways.

Trust in God.

I’ve heard it in conversations, sermons, and just yesterday I sat through a whole women’s conference – and guess what the theme was? That’s right. It was Trust In Jesus. And in that very conference a friend gifted me a sticker for my car that says… Trust in God… It’s almost like He’s trying to get His point across or something.

And I hear it. And I’m wrestling through my mess to get there.

To get to the point where I can say, okay, I do trust you in this.

9 days after my 27th birthday I had an appointment with my surgeon because of some pain I’ve been in and a weird MRI result that I got back.

And let me be honest, I’m so used to weird MRI’s & pain that I almost didn’t even want to go in about it.

But I was a responsible adult and I went anyways.

It’s been about a year since I’ve seen her last so I updated her on all the ways that endometriosis is still wreaking havoc on my life, and brought to her attention the heaviness I’ve been feeling in my uterus, along with showing her the MRI.

It was quiet in the room as she studied the picture and compared it to the scan I had two years ago. My mind was racing in those moments.

Quietness isn’t fun.

She looked at me, then looked back at the scan, and then started talking, and showing me the pictures.

My mind, trying to keep up as I hear the words coming out of her mouth: “ your uterus is enlarged, and showing signs of adenomyosis.”

Sorry, what did you say?

I sunk in my chair because I knew what was coming next.

Having endo has led me to research adenomyosis extensively. I prayed that I would never develop it. But here we were anyways.

We went over everything I’ve tried treatment wise in the last 8 years and realized there’s nothing new to try. In the end she said the words no one ever wants to hear, “we’ve done everything we can to help these things, the only cure for adenomyosis is a hysterectomy.”

I felt myself running circles in my mind. What did she just say? I’m only 27. There’s no way this is actually happening.

We discussed adoption and surrogacy, as she told me I can’t carry my own kids. And even though I know that as fact, hearing it out loud makes it a lot more real.

Since that appointment 3 weeks ago, it’s been anything but easy around here.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. So many questions.

But the one thing that I’ve seen in the midst of all the chaos is how God has still provided for me.

He didn’t answer my prayers regarding not having this hysterectomy. And I’m a littttttle mad about it.

But, He provided the support I need to get through it. Support I didn’t even know I needed, because I had no idea what was going to happen in this appointment. Shocking right? That I can’t see the future.

It’s so cool how God puts people in the right places at the right times. And I’m so grateful He did that for me. This lady showed up 4 days before my doctor’s appointment, and we talked for a bit but I had no idea what God was doing until I left my appointment on the 31st and got in my car and went “Oh, that’s why you put her there.” He knew all along that the end result was going to be a hysterectomy, He was just waiting for me to catch up and find out for myself.

And I suppose that little story, proves to me, that I can trust in God – because clearly He still knows what He’s doing.

He didn’t leave me alone to walk this new, quite bumpy road.

I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m just here finding my way through my corner of the wilderness.

One day at a time. One minute at a time. And with a lot of tears.

-Taylor Kate