I’ve been sitting with a question these last two days: What do you do when the new year doesn’t really feel new? 

I’ve been asking myself that question for the last two days. This new year feels different, in an uncomfortable way. 

Everyone is talking about goals, and resolutions, and everything that comes with a fresh 365 days….

And I’m sitting here, still in survival. My goal isn’t a list of ambitious resolutions this year. It’s simply to sleep. To be able to get through a day without regretting my hysterectomy. To be able to live the life God has for me. 

But right now, He has me here. In a slow season. In a season where I don’t feel strong. In a season of healing, still. 

January 1st doesn’t magically take me out of what I’ve been walking through. I wish healing could be wrapped up in a sparkly bow and handed to me with a “Happy New Year!” But it doesn’t work like that.

I’m still in the middle of the long wrestle of hormonal chaos that wakes me up at 3am every night begging to be felt. I feel you. I don’t want to feel you at 3am. I want to sleep. 

Leave. me. alone. 

Heaven feels so silent. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve uttered the words:

 “God, please just let me get rest” 

I don’t understand how I could be doing everything right and still be struggling. I’m taking all my supplements, staying on top of all my hormones, getting morning sunlight in my eyes, drinking water, and following my meal plans. 

And yet, things still feel hard. 

But God isn’t asking me to do 100 things. 

He is just asking for my surrender. 

He’s asking me to trust Him. But guess what I’m really bad at? Yeah. Trusting God in the hard moments. In the moments where I feel like I could do it better. Or faster. 

He sees me trying to sprint through this season, and He’s forcing me to surrender. To stop trying to take matters into my own hands. 

I’m not God, and truly I don’t really want to be Him. I just want to feel better. But feeling better only comes with letting Him take over & lead the way. He knows the plan. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I get rather frustrated with that sometimes. Insert control here.

He is making me wait. And waking me up at 3am knowing out of desperation I’m going to start praying. 

I know my recovery is not an overnight thing. As of mid next week, I’ll be at month 3. It’s a whole 6-12 month process. 

Girl, you have a long ways to go. Buckle up. 

Deep down, I believe there is goodness waiting on the other side of this struggle. This season I’m in will not last forever. My hysterectomy was not a mistake—it was part of the plan God has for me, even if I can’t yet understand why. Though the path feels confusing and heavy, I hold onto the hope that purpose lies in this journey, and one day the reasons will become clear.

Slow healing is still real healing. And although the middle of the story hurts, it’s not the end. 

I might have had to leave my uterus in 2025, but I didn’t leave my hope there with it. 

• Taylor Kate