What are you thinking about right now?

The question my physical therapist asked me today as I was lying on the table, quiet. It was one of those days where she could probably see the wheels spinning in my mind. I looked back at her, smiled, and reiterated the question. 

What am I thinking about right now? 

More like what am I not thinking right now? 

I’m thinking about how much I hate having endometriosis. How sad I am that it made me so sick last night. How much guilt I feel for having to take a day off of work today. How worried I am about having to have another surgery. Wondering what I can do to avoid it. How I don’t want to relapse in my eating disorder because of pain. How much I wish the Lord would do something about all of this. 

I’m thinking about how grateful I am for a team of people who cares for me so well. Who let me lay on the table quiet, only opening my mouth to acknowledge pain when my organs get pushed on. Who let me show up to PT as I am, and still get excited to see me. Who encourage me to keep going. Who give me a banana and a water because I’m a little pale, and a hug because I’m a little frustrated and feeling alone in this. 

I’m thinking about how grateful I am for the friends who I can text “please pray for me” knowing that they will. For reminders to pray to God, and to trust in Him. And for the ones who drop medicine off at my door at 10pm after they get off of work. 

I have to keep reminding myself, if it’s not good then God’s not done. Every single day. He isn’t finished with me and I am grateful that He doesn’t give up on me even when I am ready to give up on myself.

He knows. He sees. He cares.

I know that He can heal me and I am standing here, surrendered, waiting to see how He is going to move these mountains. 

It may not be easy. It may not be quick. But it is all for His glory. 

• Taylor Kate