I’m an extrovert. I love to talk. I love to be with friends. I love to be anywhere where there are people.

But when hard times strike, the extrovert in me shuts down. The girl who loves God, and loves people starts to hide. I hide out of fear of burdening others. Out of fear of not being good enough. Out of fear that God is gone.

Today I sat in church, and I literally mean I just sat. I could barely sing, and I had a hard time focusing on the message. I honestly don’t know what got me there this morning. My heart is cold, and I am a little lifeless. Yes, I’m still here, getting up every day, surviving to the best of my ability, but I am doing it all without God. I’ve lost the desire to read my bible, and pray, and talk about the things that God is doing in my life.

Because right now it’s a challenge.

In the middle of this season of waiting it has been so hard to shift my focus. It’s hard to practice gratitude on a daily basis. I know deep down, that there are always things for me to be grateful for. I have great friends, amazing mentors, & coffee is a thing.

But the devil has me trapped. Like in a box that tapped shut type of trapped.

And I’m screaming.

It’s suffocating.

It’s lonely.

Because God doesn’t seem present in the isolation.

Community seems hard.

It is so real, and I am fighting the war that is waging. A war that Satan wants to win.

And right now, if I am being honest. That’s where I am.

I’ve avoided community because it seems safer not to be seen in the struggle. But I’m learning that community is meant to help in times of struggle. I fight it so hard because I am stubborn person, and don’t want to bother people, but God has given me the community He has to remind me of truth, and promises- when my mind starts to forget. And even when I don’t want to ask for help, my people show up for me anyway.

Let me tell you, today I was reminded of that community. Two close friends talked to me after church today and asked me how I was doing. I tried to dodge the question but of course, that didn’t happen, so I was honest about where I was at-and they challenged me. I had to bring up the fact that I have been neglecting my faith, and trying to walk through this season without reading my bible, and without being in community. It was a hard conversation for me to have, but I’m so thankful to have friends who love me enough to remind me that I need to be active in the Word, active in community, and who point me back to God, even when I am running a million miles in the wrong direction. They are lights that God shines through to show Himself to me, and I am blessed by that.

Brick by brick the walls of isolation will crumble.

-Taylor Kate